If Women Lived Their Lives Like Barbie…The Doll.

"Is Barbie gonna' have to choke a bitch?"

Dear Jerk,

My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was fat. That son of a bitch is more overweight than I am! Why do men want girls that look like Barbie!?

-J

Dear J,

I’m so sick of hearing about Barbie as a role model for women! IT’S A FUCKING DOLL! No where in my life have I thought one of two things:

• “Man, when I grow up and become a man, gain public hair, and become sexually active I would totally like to marry, date and or have sex with a girl that looks like that plastic doll over there.”
• “Hey, Superman action figure, I know I’m in my 20’s now, but I can see your chiseled abs and massive pecks through your painted on costume and if I don’t have that, because I’m too lazy to go to the gym, or I wasn’t born with super powers, I’m going to cry until they make you Less-than-Superman so you look more like me and my feelings aren’t hurt when I find out I’m not like an action figure.”

Lets look at the different ways Barbie might influence our culture if women took their Barbie role modeling more seriously.

#1- Posture

You’re a high school girl. You wave goodbye to your mother, who is disappointed at your posture. She always tells you,

Is my back totally arched? Sweet.

“Carol, stand up straight, a girl shouldn’t walk on all fours like that.” Moms never understand. All the other girls at your high-school walk on all fours.

There is a girl on the bus who walks on two legs, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, two legs!? You all say, “Hey two legger, I bet you can only afford two shoes for your two legs,” and then you all spit on her and laugh. She probably can’t afford the surgery to make her body look more like Barbie — what a poor ass.

Weird huh? In this article about Barbie’s body image in the Huffington Post it says, that Barbie would walk on all fours because of her inappropriate proportions. Go figure… it’s a doll.

#2- Women Can’t Drive

Damn, I forgot you can't bend your elbow after Labor Day. DAMN IT AGAIN!

You’re a 35 year old mother of two. You’re, a model, like every other woman in the world, slaving away while sweaty men take pictures of your perfect body that has to be tacked to a wall to stay up straight. You’re off today, and you need to take your son to soccer practice and your daughter to gymnastics, but you can’t, because you can’t drive.

You call your husband and he says, “Can you please just take them this time, I can’t leave work right now.” He never understands, you are too beautiful to bend your elbows or knees. If women made cars, you think, they would make it so we could  sit in them without bending our perfect knees and drive with our arms full extended.

Weird huh? Barbies joints don’t work… why? You guessed it… a doll.

#3- The World Ends

You’re a 26 year old man. One morning you wake up and the news headline say, “The end of the world is near.”

Weird huh? Not only can women not menstruate when they are anorexic and therefore not have babies because of their 5’9”, 110 weight and 16.24 according to Margo Maine, Ph.D in her book Body Wars. But Barbie doesn’t have the ability to get rid of bodily waste, and her internal organs don’t work because she’s hallow.

Even if she did have all the functioning systems of a regular adult female, and she could menstruate, she would still die — quietly, because she can’t open her mouth to eat… why? a fucking doll.

Ladies, you don’t have to obsess over something that doesn’t walk upright, doesn’t drives and is made of plastic. My suggestion is be the best version of who you are, mind, body and soul and if you can’t find a man to take you, cats or lesbians will.