Size Only Matters On A Bell Curve, And If You’re Ugly — Part 1


"Please don't let it be bent, teeny, monstrous, uncircumcised, or a vagina. Amen."

“Please don’t let it be bent, teeny, monstrous, uncircumcised, or a vagina. Amen.”

Dear Jerk,

I asked my girlfriend to tell me if size really matters, she said it doesn’t. I would like to believe her, but she’s lied to me before to boost my ego. Is she lying to me?




God, I’m sorry we are even having this conversation. Talking about dick size is probably my least favorite thing to discuss, but men have to know and women have to know how to answer this question. Oh, and your girlfriend is a damn dirty liar.

Men that have to ask this question are in one of three categories:

1. They have inadequate equipment

2. They cannot give their girlfriend an orgasm

3. They watch too much porn

"If this is you, all of the above apply."

“If this is you, all of the above apply.”

Now, I’m going to assume that when you say ‘matter’ you mean this: Does penis size matter in helping a woman achieve orgasm?

Short answer: Yes

Long answer: Depends

The size of your Johnson, as it applies to the ability to help a woman achieve an orgasm, is based on a bell curve like many other things in nature. For those of you who don’t know what a bell curve is, here it is.


Here is how it applies in this situation. If you are happy with your tiny dick and are bored with math stop reading and go ahead and invest in a box of tissues, because your girlfriend will cheat on you or break up with you. If not, continue reading.

Bell-Curve %'s

Let me explain. The horizontal statistic is the size of your little buddy. The vertical is the percent chance to help a woman achieve an orgasm. As you can see, the chance to do the deed diminishes on either side of the graph. That means that if your manhood is the size of a Tic Tac the chances of her getting an orgasm are around zero percent. The same applies to it if it is the size of a Toyota Camry — zero percent.

Now, don’t get all excited for those of you that consider yourself  ‘average.’  Here is a link to a map that shows the twig size of everyone per country. It already has 11 million views, so it must mean something

So, as it goes, since you’re reading English. Most of the English speaking countries are BELOW the world average, unless you’re from New Zealand (Congrats to the ladies from New Zealand). So, as it applies to you on the bell curve here you are.


Bell-Curve %'s and you



Now, don’t get down on yourself yet! My dad used to tell me a joke when I was little, here it is: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

"Here comes the airplane."

“Here comes the airplane.”

The same applies to sex organs. Why do the people from Sudan have big ole clubs dangling between their legs? Because the women of Sudan have vast and gaping vaginal caverns. So, because you are in an English speaking country probably, the vagini (sounds more professional) are about the same size.


Now, guys, carefully analyze this map and compare it to the size of your equipment (ladies, since it’s difficult to measure the size of your vagina, leave this step to the guys, I don’t want to get sued). Find the nationality whose ‘nostril’ fits your ‘gorilla finger.’

So, if you’re on the smaller side, you need to break up with your girlfriend from any of the countries in green and find you a nice Asian or Indian girlfriend. If you’re on the big side (which you aren’t, because you wouldn’t be reading this) you need to find a girl from one of the green countries. If that isn’t an option and you have been tricked into becoming married, the best option is to do one of the following: Work out or do the fucking dishes or get fatter and lazier respectively.



5 responses to “Size Only Matters On A Bell Curve, And If You’re Ugly — Part 1

  1. No wonder there are so many problems in the Sudan. All those giant clubs swinging around, obviously someone’s going to start a war or two.

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