10 Types of Women on Online Dating Sites

"This must be how I internet, this HAS to work."

“This must be how I internet, this HAS to work.”

Dear Jerk,

I don’t have a lot of free time anymore because of my job, I work crazy hours and I find myself catching up on sleep on my days off. I’d like to start doing some online dating and see what’s out there and see if I can meet a decent girl. Are there any online?

U-

U,

U? Ulysses? I hope you have a middle name or something when you go on a date. U, there are 10 types of women that you’ll find online and all of them are bad. I joined an online dating service to find out what everyone talks about and has SUCH great success.

Everyone knows of that beaming couple that met online and they are happy as shit. They build Ikea furniture without saying a single curse word, they finish each other’s opinion of shitty movies they both LOVED, and they brush each other’s teeth before they have missionary sex through the hole in a sheet.

I wanted to see how these weirdos met.

After I spent too much time writing bullshit about myself and finding a picture that didn’t make me look like I just got in a fight with the underside of a dumptruck, I started looking at what was available. Here is what you got.

"This is me, I like to put edible objects in my face hole."

“This is me, I like to put edible objects in my face hole.”

10. Miss Obviously Cliche

“Hi, my name is Tiffany. I love to laugh and have a good time. I like good movies, good food, good music, good things, I really enjoy great things, but I hate things that are gross and bad. I love my loved ones. I eat breakfast. I live life to the fullest.”

The first thing that I involuntarily wretches out of my mouth is, ‘this fucking bitch.’ I can’t even help it. It’s like a violent reaction to an allergy or Poison. ‘I love to laugh’? really, I don’t think there is a fucking human in the world that gets angry when someone makes them laugh. ‘Ha ha ho ho, FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME SMILE AND FEEL WARM INSIDE!’ She also likes the things that she … totally likes. I swear to god, if I hear one more girl say she lives life to the fullest, I’m going destroy the Mona Lisa with the blood of a baby seal.

If this is you ladies, find someone UNIQUE about you that says something about you for the love of God.

"Did I do this right? It doesn't look like me..."

“Did I do this right? It doesn’t look like me…”

9. Miss I Have No Friends So All My Pictures Are In The Bathroom

Do I need to say anything else? guys like women with something besides them in their life. Get some friends or get some cats — choose wisely (both can stink and throw up on your carpet).

"I'm the one in the hat."

“I’m the one in the hat.”

8. Miss Oh My God, Like, I’ve Been Places

This girl has no profile pictures of her face, just her outline against a famous landmark. I get it, your dad was rich and you traveled. I don’t give a shit where you’ve been, I want to know what you look like and what you’re doing now. It seems like every freaking girl has been to Chichen Itza, or pushed on the Leaning Tower.

bikini-girl

“I like stuff”

7. Miss I’m Hot Look at Me

This freaking girl, she shows a picture of her in a bikini with her tits hanging out and a flower in her hair and shit tons of make-up on and then in her profile she says, um, like, I like shopping and boys, k bye.

I get it, you were hot throughout your entire life and you never had to develop a personality to survive high school or college. So now, you are an empty and vapid shell of a person and you’re only value now, is in your vagina and your tits. You’re pursued, because people want you to be their live sex toy. Congratulations, you’re only skill in life can be achieved through mere friction.

"I've read War and Peace in 14 languages."

“I’ve read War and Peace in 14 languages.”

6. Miss I’ve Read More Books Than You

This girl, oh my. She wears huge glasses in her profile picture and she is always deep in through thinking of what sort of bizarre beatle turd or root she can put in her coffee. Her favorite book is her own list of her favorite books. Her list of books makes up 90% of her profile, and if you haven’t read all of them she will throw her nose in the air and say, GOD why don’t you read a book.

Her secret weapon, say, Oh my God, I loved that book, did you like the descriptions and character development!

"hehe, NO!"

“hehe, NO!”

5. Miss Half Naked Lesbian

This is very similar to number 7. She’s hot as shit and half naked, but the problem is she’s a lesbian and she gets off at turning away the millions of bros that copy and paste emails to her on a daily basis in hopes that the bros may have an orgasm in her dank and dark studio apartment. READ THE FIRST LINE, I’M A LESBIAN. I DON’T LIKE DICKS HEHE.

"I can't stay out TOO late, I have to teach Sunday school in the morning."

“I can’t stay out TOO late, I have to teach Sunday school in the morning.”

4. Miss I Love God and Dirty Meaningless Orgys After Sunday School

Now, let me get one thing straight, there is nothing wrong with being religious and loving God and reading the Bible and such. There is nothing wrong with wanting to shove all sorts of inanimate objects and human limbs into your vagina… maybe a little. BUT, they don’t go together. Don’t tell me you’re looking for a nice christian guy that loves God, and then tell me your favorite books are the Bible and 50 Shades of Grey. Don’t tell me you like Christian Rock and Ke$ha (the figurehead for all things that involve shoving into a vagina). Pick one please.

"Please give me... I forgot what I was praying for... so, how are you?"

“Please give me… I forgot what I was praying for… so, how are you?”

3. Miss I Love God, Goddy God God God, Did I mention God

I need as many karma points as I can muster these days, so let me put out this disclaimer, it’s great if you are deeply religious. Just don’t punctuate your entire profile with God.

“So, what do you do for a living?”

“Pray”

“Alright, what type of music do you like?”

“Hymns”

“O…K, what kind of guy are you looking to meet?”

“God”

Right.

I get it. Most of the time this occurs after someone has cleaned up after being dirtier than a rat’s ass in a sewage drain. If not, great, I’m super happy for you, but you cannot let your life be defined by that if you want to meet someone that isn’t the Pope.

"Dat fail."

“Dat fail.”

2. Miss Photoshop

This is my favorite. I laugh so hard when I see these. They’ll show some woman stand against her closet door and the door will bend around her ass like a mirage in a desert. They’ll add more make-up and say, NO MAKE-UP!! I SWEAR! Not that this is any different than women actually wearing make up, but that’s another blog, that I’ve already written (Make-UP Lies).

"Please pity sex, PLEASE."

“Please pity sex, PLEASE.”

1. Miss Super Depressed

Her profile starts like this, “I’m giving this another try (because no one will have sex with my moppy ass at the local bar), BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.” Her pictures are made up of her covering her depressed face with her hair, and taking several pictures with random colored lenses to hide her sadness and desire to define her life by a human with penis.

Personally, I would be scared that her depression would spread like an STD. My dick would grow a tuft of black hair on top and it only comes over one side and it would start reciting shitty poetry.

U, you’re better off going to the bar and rolling the dice, getting a mail order bride from Russia, or buying a plastic blow up doll and stare into it’s soulless eyes while you squeek out your last bit of self-esteem out.

jerk114

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14 responses to “10 Types of Women on Online Dating Sites

  1. Ummm, about the sex and God? I have no problem believing in God and being sensual too. I’m pretty sure God knows about sex. Why does it have to be one or the other? That’s stereotyping of the Hollywood cliches.

    • Here’s the point here. If you’re a christian guy looking for a christian girl, you aren’t going to be looking for a girl whose vagina doubles as a storage device of exotic fruits and foreign objects. If that’s her thing, good for her, just don’t look for a squeaky clean bible thumper.

      Also, if you describe sensuality as what I described above, I think one of us doesn’t understand the meaning of that word.

  2. this made me laugh. And yes there are women out there as you described, but I’m sure I can come up with the nut jobs women have had the displeasure of meeting/corresponding with from the online sites. 🙂

  3. #13: I have an adorable child who is my world!
    Here are six photos of me and my child, because we are a package deal; so if you don’t like kids, just move on. If you are only looking to get in my pants, move along…However, my child doesn’t need a daddy, he’s got one already, just walk the line and you”ll be fine.

  4. Great post and so f’ing true. You described 90% of the female population on dating sites. I’ve learned don’t dare call these women out online either. That’s like trying to yell at a driver who just cut you off – even though they know they’re dip shits in life and in the wrong, they’ll still give YOU the bird like you’re the crazy one. Hilarious.

    • Well, calling people out on their flaws to their face is the antithesis of all the things you might be trying to do on an online dating site, so I wouldn’t recommend that.

  5. Maybe it’s just me, but I noticed a pattern with alot of women on dating sites..32-48, divorced from the loser that everyone told them not to marry to begin with, bad, bleach blonde dye job, fake tan, a shitload of tattoos and piercings because it automatically makes them 22 again, a tribe of 2-6 kids in tow that they just have to post pictures of while they’re telling you how those kids are her biggest priority, pics of every place they’ve ever been on vacation in their life, and they just have to post the pic of them jumping out of a perfectly good airplane for no valid reason, and my favorite…the cut, copy and paste profile that they bought from Staples for $19.99. Really? You can’t do better than that? Fuck you and the alimony check you rode in on bitch.

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