I don’t have a lot of free time anymore because of my job, I work crazy hours and I find myself catching up on sleep on my days off. I’d like to start doing some online dating and see what’s out there and see if I can meet a decent girl. Are there any online?
U? Ulysses? I hope you have a middle name or something when you go on a date. U, there are 10 types of women that you’ll find online and all of them are bad. I joined an online dating service to find out what everyone talks about and has SUCH great success.
Everyone knows of that beaming couple that met online and they are happy as shit. They build Ikea furniture without saying a single curse word, they finish each other’s opinion of shitty movies they both LOVED, and they brush each other’s teeth before they have missionary sex through the hole in a sheet.
I wanted to see how these weirdos met.
After I spent too much time writing bullshit about myself and finding a picture that didn’t make me look like I just got in a fight with the underside of a dumptruck, I started looking at what was available. Here is what you got.
10. Miss Obviously Cliche
“Hi, my name is Tiffany. I love to laugh and have a good time. I like good movies, good food, good music, good things, I really enjoy great things, but I hate things that are gross and bad. I love my loved ones. I eat breakfast. I live life to the fullest.”
The first thing that I involuntarily wretches out of my mouth is, ‘this fucking bitch.’ I can’t even help it. It’s like a violent reaction to an allergy or Poison. ‘I love to laugh’? really, I don’t think there is a fucking human in the world that gets angry when someone makes them laugh. ‘Ha ha ho ho, FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME SMILE AND FEEL WARM INSIDE!’ She also likes the things that she … totally likes. I swear to god, if I hear one more girl say she lives life to the fullest, I’m going destroy the Mona Lisa with the blood of a baby seal.
If this is you ladies, find someone UNIQUE about you that says something about you for the love of God.
9. Miss I Have No Friends So All My Pictures Are In The Bathroom
Do I need to say anything else? guys like women with something besides them in their life. Get some friends or get some cats — choose wisely (both can stink and throw up on your carpet).
8. Miss Oh My God, Like, I’ve Been Places
This girl has no profile pictures of her face, just her outline against a famous landmark. I get it, your dad was rich and you traveled. I don’t give a shit where you’ve been, I want to know what you look like and what you’re doing now. It seems like every freaking girl has been to Chichen Itza, or pushed on the Leaning Tower.
7. Miss I’m Hot Look at Me
This freaking girl, she shows a picture of her in a bikini with her tits hanging out and a flower in her hair and shit tons of make-up on and then in her profile she says, um, like, I like shopping and boys, k bye.
I get it, you were hot throughout your entire life and you never had to develop a personality to survive high school or college. So now, you are an empty and vapid shell of a person and you’re only value now, is in your vagina and your tits. You’re pursued, because people want you to be their live sex toy. Congratulations, you’re only skill in life can be achieved through mere friction.
6. Miss I’ve Read More Books Than You
This girl, oh my. She wears huge glasses in her profile picture and she is always deep in through thinking of what sort of bizarre beatle turd or root she can put in her coffee. Her favorite book is her own list of her favorite books. Her list of books makes up 90% of her profile, and if you haven’t read all of them she will throw her nose in the air and say, GOD why don’t you read a book.
Her secret weapon, say, Oh my God, I loved that book, did you like the descriptions and character development!
5. Miss Half Naked Lesbian
This is very similar to number 7. She’s hot as shit and half naked, but the problem is she’s a lesbian and she gets off at turning away the millions of bros that copy and paste emails to her on a daily basis in hopes that the bros may have an orgasm in her dank and dark studio apartment. READ THE FIRST LINE, I’M A LESBIAN. I DON’T LIKE DICKS HEHE.
4. Miss I Love God and Dirty Meaningless Orgys After Sunday School
Now, let me get one thing straight, there is nothing wrong with being religious and loving God and reading the Bible and such. There is nothing wrong with wanting to shove all sorts of inanimate objects and human limbs into your vagina… maybe a little. BUT, they don’t go together. Don’t tell me you’re looking for a nice christian guy that loves God, and then tell me your favorite books are the Bible and 50 Shades of Grey. Don’t tell me you like Christian Rock and Ke$ha (the figurehead for all things that involve shoving into a vagina). Pick one please.
3. Miss I Love God, Goddy God God God, Did I mention God
I need as many karma points as I can muster these days, so let me put out this disclaimer, it’s great if you are deeply religious. Just don’t punctuate your entire profile with God.
“So, what do you do for a living?”
“Alright, what type of music do you like?”
“O…K, what kind of guy are you looking to meet?”
I get it. Most of the time this occurs after someone has cleaned up after being dirtier than a rat’s ass in a sewage drain. If not, great, I’m super happy for you, but you cannot let your life be defined by that if you want to meet someone that isn’t the Pope.
2. Miss Photoshop
This is my favorite. I laugh so hard when I see these. They’ll show some woman stand against her closet door and the door will bend around her ass like a mirage in a desert. They’ll add more make-up and say, NO MAKE-UP!! I SWEAR! Not that this is any different than women actually wearing make up, but that’s another blog, that I’ve already written (Make-UP Lies).
1. Miss Super Depressed
Her profile starts like this, “I’m giving this another try (because no one will have sex with my moppy ass at the local bar), BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME.” Her pictures are made up of her covering her depressed face with her hair, and taking several pictures with random colored lenses to hide her sadness and desire to define her life by a human with penis.
Personally, I would be scared that her depression would spread like an STD. My dick would grow a tuft of black hair on top and it only comes over one side and it would start reciting shitty poetry.
U, you’re better off going to the bar and rolling the dice, getting a mail order bride from Russia, or buying a plastic blow up doll and stare into it’s soulless eyes while you squeek out your last bit of self-esteem out.