How to Make a Zombie Sexy

Take one average dude, add incredible wealth, unstoppable charm, and a movie career.

[Dear Jerk],

Why is it considered totally normal, and even expected, for guys to date up the ranks while women date down?


Dear C,

Since you asked so kindly and your question was specifically aimed toward me, I will tell you. It all has to do with what league you’re in. Physically speaking, 5’s and 6’s that are men go out with 8’s and 9’s that are women, because they increase their league by other means besides physical attractiveness. It doesn’t work in the opposite direction, because men and women have a general difference on what increases or decreases your league.

If leagues were based solely on looks there would be no such thing as uneven pairs and fat, lazy, and out of shape men would have their hopes smash of ever using their charm to win someone that is in shape. So guys, hit the gym.

Sadly enough for women, men’s leagues are based almost solely on physical attractiveness. So ladies, hit the gym too.

Leagues are a polarized version of the theory of evolutional psychology. People arbitrarily and subconsciously  take the sum of all the  things that our cavemen and cave-women ancestors sought in their mates and put them on a scale of 1 to 10. 1 Being a rotten and putrid corpse and 10 being a Lust Factory.

"Lust -- Made in China"

Lets look at a couple of examples of men and examine why they carry such a huge rating in the league meter and how to improve your league. I got sources from Glamor Magazine so don’t yell at me about who is a 10 and who isn’t. Yell at me the rest of this blog…

Ladies… lets stop right here… you want to know what is wrong with men in this generation? Look at your top sexist men. The glowing Euro-trash feminine vampire from Twilight is number one.

He looks like his breath smells like Indian food and every time someone takes his picture he makes the same face that a stalker would makes when he watches you change through your open window.

Yes, you there, I see you staring. Can you stop? Please? I'm calling the cops... I'm dialing... doot DOOT doot doot.

I’m not going to even bother analyzing this tit.

NUMBER TWO IS ALSO FROM TWILIGHT! What is wrong with you !? Taylor Lautner looks like a fucking alpaca!

10 points for the black shiny proboscis

Did any of you Twilight gushing fans go see his attempt at an action movie?

Fast-forward to 1:35 for his tough guy line that will send chills down your spine… I mean rainbows up your spine.

If I wanted to see a Peruvian Llama pretend to be an action star I would go and buy one, put a bandana around it’s furry brown head, walk up behind it, and let it kick me in the face while a slow-mo camera recorded it.

Ok, Ok, finially, 3,4,5 and 6 on the Glamor list actually make sense: Johnny Depp, David Beckham, Zac Efron (a little feminine), and Gerard Butler. This list is called the sexist list of men of 2011, so, being a heterosexual man, I’m going to take it on their word that they are all attractive men.

The words in parenthesis are ways to improve your league.

  • Attractive (buy her a drink): Check
  • Job (lie): Check
  • Wealth (lie): incredible
  • Genes: Good
  • Can Defend Your Honor /Protect You From Zombies (Punch someone): Check (Except Zac, he looks like he could only fight off some blind school girls with  the hurricane fist.)
  • Empathy (lie about liking animals): Check…
  • Dark Triad (keep doing what you’re doing): Check (Except Zac again… only because I cannot verify)

Dark Triad is the theory that there are personality traits in people that are no longer evolutionarily beneficial, but still remain. Narcissism, sense of entitlement, selfishness, callousness, lack of personal affect, superficial charm, and remorselessness. According to Science the more checks next to these traits in the dark triad, the more sexual partners you have. This is why you are attracted to bad boys ladies.

All of these things stem from prehistoric women’s job of choosing the most suitable mate to defend her and her children and give them a good home.

Each of the bullet points can be supplemented by another only at an exponential rate. An employed, wealthy, charming, caring, narcissist puss covered zombie will only land at a maximum of a  6, depending on the weather,while an average looking dude could be a 10 with incredible wealth, charm, genes, employment and a plethora of dark triads in his pocket.

"He's not much to look at, but he's got a great investment plan, loves his mom, and always talks about my brains instead of my beauty."

Guys on the other hand are much less complex when it comes to creating a league. Prehistoric men were concerned with one thing, and that was making babies. But our Great x 29874 Grandpapys did just want to make babies with any old prehistoric woman, he had to make sure that after he told her he loved her and did the horizontal tango with her she would not only have the child, have it be healthy, but be able to raise it on her own.

  • Full lips (coligen) – fertile and good genes
  • Large Breasts (push-up bra) – fertile and good genes
  • Hip to Waist Ratio (spanks) – fertile
  • Shiny Hair (shampoo and conditioner)- good genes
  • Clear Skin (make-up) – good genes
  • Tall (High Heels) – good genes
  • Attractive (Lots of Make-up) – good genes

So, in retrospect, these men that are 4 or 5’s with women that are 8’s or 9’s may actually be much closer in reality. He maybe charming with an incredible job, while she wears lots of make-up. By the way, I never want to hear a woman talk about men being liars again…

6 responses to “How to Make a Zombie Sexy

  1. That’s a fairly brilliant comparison, Taylor Lautner to an Alpaca. The Dark Triad intrigues me. Can women have the Dark Triad, as well? Seems narcisscism is not gender biased. There is much here to contemplate. I, for one, always dated “up”. My boyfriends were often prettier than me. Why? Because I ordered them to date me, and they obeyed. Do not overlook the “Mother Power” in a woman. Men will, to a degree, do what they are told. Until the resentment factor kicks in. Then, they will still do what they are told, while doing things secretly that would cause a woman to hate/resent them, if they only knew. This also, singlehandedly, explains much of the porn phenomenon. Oh, well, that, and the sex.

    • Can women have the dark triad? 100% yes, but will men be more inclined to be more attracted to them… no.
      Ordered them to date you? How does that work? If a woman that was “down” or “up” from me order me to date her, it wouldn’t go well. Nagging before the first date? Eff that noise.

  2. For once, I actually have total proof for one of your posts, which makes sense since I’m the one who inspired it. Day 1 of the experiment, three of the girls that I asked to rate my friend asked me what he was like, personality-wise. Turns out, the swing for personality can be as high as 3 points. I apparently need more superficial friends if this is going to work.

  3. Pingback: Ladies: How to Talk to Guys — Round 1 « Ask a Jerk·

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