My girlfriends have been trying to get me to sign up for one of those dating websites so I can find a boyfriend, do you think it would help?
All I know about online dating is from what the online dating commercials tell me, and what they tell me is that 5% of all US marriages are started by eHarmony. I also know that 100% percent of online dating murders start online. I also know which came first, the chicken or the egg, and why hotdog buns come in packages of 12 when hotdogs don’t.
I found a free online dating website and decided to do some research on the types of people that populate online dating services so I could give you an educated answer.
The website, for some reason, wouldn’t allow me to input my birth name, Wolverine, into the database, so I decided to make up one for the sake of science: Hunkie McBaconstaff.
After uploading a stock photo of a muscled brooding man with a wet t-shirt (and promptly deleted off my computer) I created a profile. The profile was filled with the crap the women write in cursive and giggle about during a slumber party when they talk about their perfect boyfriend without thinking of the repercussions.
“I really love animals, charity, working out, you, my mom, your mom, sunsets, poetry, candle-light dinners, tickling, listening to your problems, horseback riding, ironing, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, laundry, anything that you secretly don’t like to do that needs to get done, I’ll do it, just pay me with cuddles ;).”
The Winky face might have been too much.
The trap was set, I laid in wait and… waited for for the hordes of women to message me. I waited for 15 min thinking that the ‘sit-downs’ were on to me, and that they would repel in through my window and execute me for posing as Hunkie McBaconstaff.
I awoke the next morning — still alive. With 7,289 winks in my inbox.
A bolt of lighting stuck outside my window and I stood up and yelled with my hands in the air, “RISE HUNKIE MCBACONSTAFF! RISE! …no, not you… you go back down.”
A sudden jolt of fear rushed through me. I felt like the guys from Office Space where they made a miscalculation in their money laundering scheme. I was screwed, the winks were increasing by the second. My phone, which I set to notify me when I got a wink or a message, was running out of batteries because it was going off so much. The phone company called to see if there was a problem.
The ‘sit-downs’ would be onto me if I didn’t act quickly. Hunkie McBaconstaff had to be destroyed before it was too late.
I created a new email to set up the account, and forgot my password and my hint to the password was, “asdfashdflashdfasdfas fart fart pumpkin pie.” So I couldn’t delete the profile.
There was a pounding at the door! They were here already! I quickly went to edit profile, and changed what he loved. My fingers clicked and clacked away as the pounding at my front door intensified, I didn’t have much time before the battering ram came out.
“ALRIGHT! WHERE COMING IN,” I heard a gruff woman say at my front door. I clicked ‘Publish Profile’ and instantly the pounding at the door stopped and it was over. I had done it, Hunkie McBaconstaff was dead once and for all.
This is how his profile read after the smoke was clear:
Hi,my name is Hunkie McBaconstaff and I really love living with my mom, playing video games, listening Metallica, peeing in the shower, lying, farting under the covers, being unemployed, procrastinating, picking my boogers, telling you how fat you are, having sex with your best friend, listening Nickleback, pornography, pooping, polka music, murder, rape, war, the holocaust, racism, AIDS, Hitler, Satan and clubbing baby seals.
So, in short A, online dating sites may be a good place to meet more people, but they are shallow, and placate to the unassertive. You are going to have to be twice as picky on the internet as you are in real life. At least in person you have to be a good liar, online, you just type your way into a deep dark lie. Good Luck.