Online Dating: The Tale of Hunkie McBaconstaff

"You have 1 New Message From: Gitterdun1865"

Dear Jerk,

My girlfriends have been trying to get me to sign up for one of those dating websites so I can find a boyfriend, do you think it would help?


Dear A,

All I know about online dating is from what the online dating commercials tell me, and what they tell me is that 5% of all US marriages are started by eHarmony. I also know that 100% percent of online dating murders start online. I also know which came first, the chicken or the egg, and why hotdog buns come in packages of 12 when hotdogs don’t.

I found a free online dating website and decided to do some research on the types of people that populate online dating services so I could give you an educated answer.

The website, for some reason, wouldn’t allow me to input my birth name, Wolverine, into the database, so I decided to make up one for the sake of science: Hunkie McBaconstaff.

"Hunkie McBaconstaff loves giving back to the community, listening to you while you sleep, and watching that shitty reality show you love."

After uploading a stock photo of a muscled brooding man with a wet t-shirt (and promptly deleted off my computer)  I created a profile. The profile was filled with the crap the women write in cursive and giggle about during a slumber party when they talk about their perfect boyfriend without thinking of the repercussions.

“I really love animals, charity, working out, you, my mom, your mom, sunsets, poetry, candle-light dinners, tickling, listening to your problems, horseback riding, ironing, doing the dishes, taking out the trash, laundry, anything that you secretly don’t like to do that needs to get done, I’ll do it, just pay me with cuddles ;).”

The Winky face might have been too much.

The trap was set, I laid in wait and… waited for for the hordes of women to message me. I waited for 15 min thinking that the ‘sit-downs’ were on to me, and that they would repel in through my window and execute me for posing as Hunkie McBaconstaff.

I awoke the next morning — still alive. With 7,289 winks in my inbox.

A bolt of lighting stuck outside my window and I stood up and yelled with my hands in the air, “RISE HUNKIE MCBACONSTAFF! RISE! …no, not you… you go back down.”

"Come darling, let me rub your shoulders. You look tense.

A sudden jolt of fear rushed through me. I felt like the guys from Office Space where they made a miscalculation in their money laundering scheme. I was screwed, the winks were increasing by the second. My phone, which I set to notify me when I got a wink or a message, was running out of batteries because it was going off so much. The phone company called to see if there was a problem.

The ‘sit-downs’ would be onto me if I didn’t act quickly. Hunkie McBaconstaff had to be destroyed before it was too late.

I created a new email to set up the account, and forgot my password and my hint to the password was, “asdfashdflashdfasdfas fart fart pumpkin pie.” So I couldn’t delete the profile.

There was a pounding at the door! They were here already! I quickly went to edit profile, and changed what he loved. My fingers clicked and clacked away as the pounding at my front door intensified, I didn’t have much time before the battering ram came out.

“ALRIGHT! WHERE COMING IN,” I heard a gruff woman say at my front door. I clicked ‘Publish Profile’ and instantly the pounding at the door stopped and it was over. I had done it, Hunkie McBaconstaff was dead once and for all.

This is how his profile read after the smoke was clear:

Hi,my name is Hunkie McBaconstaff and I really love living with my mom, playing video games, listening Metallica, peeing in the shower, lying, farting under the covers,  being unemployed, procrastinating, picking my boogers, telling you how fat you are, having sex with your best friend, listening Nickleback, pornography, pooping, polka music, murder, rape, war, the holocaust, racism, AIDS, Hitler, Satan and clubbing baby seals.

So, in short A, online dating sites may be a good place to meet more people, but they are shallow, and placate to the unassertive. You are going to have to be twice as picky on the internet as you are in real life. At least in person you have to be a good liar, online, you just type your way into a deep dark lie. Good Luck.

8 responses to “Online Dating: The Tale of Hunkie McBaconstaff

  1. Ditto to that shit!
    I’ve been hearing for years, “I met him on an online dating sight”…”In a chat room”…”He friended me on Facebook”…blah, blah, blah. Usually it’s followed by, “He didn’t look like his pic”…”He wasn’t how I thought he was going to be”…”He got really weird on me so I decided not to meet him in person”. YA FUCKING THINK? He’s looking for broads online, for crissakes!
    Perhaps I’m old school, but the way I look at it is if this clown can’t find a date in the ‘real’ world and has to resort to that, ummm….maybe he’s not a keeper. Hmm… Don’t fry your wires thinking on this too hard; it’s a no-brainer. Why would he waste his time trying to ‘sell’ himself to different women by having to write out some kind of presentation, deliver it, wait for emails, go to the time and trouble to connect, and then meet them in person for the sole purpose of getting laid–and let’s be honest here, that’s what it’s about–when he could go to the neighborhood bar, throw down a twenty, buy a cheap broad some drinks, and get his rocks off in a couple of hours? Let’s face it, usually any old-Joe can get that done, so if this guy ain’t able to get Suzy-rotten-crotch in the sack, do you really want him? And how do you know he’s not going to take your ass off to a cornfield somewhere and hack off your arms, or some shit? Personally, I’d rather take my chances at the bar. I can get a look at the actual candy in the display case rather then just read a description of how tasty it’s supposed to be before I buy it. Because I’ve met them in a familiar place or through someone I know, I already have a good head-start in knowing whether he is an axe murderer or not, or worst yet, UNEMPLOYED!
    As always, you hit the nail right square on the head, Jerk.

  2. Dear Jerk,
    ha, ha, ha, ha, and ha!
    I’ve always found online dating to be a creepy and weird thing. Sure, everyone has facebook and may be friends with people they don’t actually know on there, but making a profile to specifically find “love” or something like that is just… strange. The fact that myself, a 22 year old man, can make a profile as an old cougar on the prowl, a young sorostitute, or a perfectly in shape athletic male, makes it even more strange. You can be anyone you want on an online dating site, which means so can the millions of other folks. Why bother being “Hunkie McBaconstaff” when you can just be yourself? I say to hell with online dating… bring on the old fashioned awkward first dates! Those are the only ones that should really mean anything.

  3. You commented on my blog and I found you, except this is obviously an older post but it doesn’t matter because you are seriously funny and I think I have to subscribe. My friend Susan has been the butt/subject of numerous online dating posts I’ve written, six to date. She has the uncanny ability to pick people who should be incarcerated and institutionalized at the same time. One wore antlers to the date, another wore bedroom slippers. One left the movie theater while the movie was going on and came back later with shopping bags. Susan thought he had died in the men’s room. That said, I met Now Husband Dan on and he is swell and cooks and makes the bed and does his won laundry and paints (with oils) when the artistic spirit moves him (which it usually doesn’t). He doesn’t give back to the community, though, just to me. So I let that slide.

    • Wow, that’s almost rainbowlishly sweet to call your husband swell. Haha, I love that his vice is that he DOESN’T give back to the community, I’m pretty sure he is a robot. No man cooks AND makes his own bed… this is preposterous. Pretty sure marrying a robot is illegal in America, but I wont’ tell.

  4. That is absolutely hilarious. Love your sense of humor. But I must confess I met my spouse online. Of course I didn’t think to use bacon to lure people in. No wonder I only got a few winks. Damn

    • It’s certainly strange, I have heard just as many terrible stories about online dating as I have incredible stories. It certainly benefits people who look great on paper, but terrible in person. I’m much better in person than I am on paper haha, so this certainly won’t work for me.

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