Casual Dating, It’s Cheaper Than a Prostitute

Dear Jerk,

Why are so many men out there not able to commit? They have all the right qualifications, but they don’t want to settle down and at least be in a committed relationship. I’m not asking for them to MARRY me, just be my boyfriend.

-T

T,

OK ladies, I’m going to be sexist here so bare with me. Imagine there is a chocolate out there that actually BURNS calories and gives you endorphin and orgasms. You’d go to work to support your cocaine like addiction to this chocolate right? right.

“IT’S SO GOOD! OH MY GOD! SO GOOD! This is the last one I swear!”

Just like chocolate, guys are addicted to sex. We can’t help it, we are wired to think about sex. There, I just thought about sex. Snopes debunked the idea that men think about sex every seven seconds. They still found that men think about sex TWICE as much as women. Thought about it again. So, it is safe to assume, if someone were addicted to something they would spend most of their time trying to figure out how to get it or support their addiction right? right.

Behold, the sex emporium. AKA ‘The Guy I Know’

Yes, your local neighborhood bar. There is a reason why bars are a 100 BILLION dollar industry. They are the perfect business model. They provide two products to men, a variety of women to choose from at varying stages of sobriety to give any man a chance. The bars also offer a service to women, the idea that it is a ‘great place to meet guys.’ Most women really want to connect with a man on an emotional level and most really men want to connect sex organs.

“Oh yea, that’s the piece I’ve been looking for.”

It takes around 6 months of talking about your cat’s dietary needs and listening to him talk about his fantasy football team to connect on an emotional level. Given that it is common knowledge that women will have sex within the first three to four dates, that 12% of women between the ages of 21-24 will have  sex on the first night and 34% of women over 30 will have sex on the first night — we know who is going to get theirs first (you would expect nothing less huh?).

“Jimmy always gave me an emotional connection.”

Let’s do some math. Say I go to a bar, and a hit on three women over thirty. I buy each of them two drinks and tell them my life story, that I’m a writer, I was in the Army Infantry, I love dogs, I work out and I have a decent job. My chances of getting laid are roughly around 102%. At seven dollars a drink, that puts me at around $42. That’s at a going rate of around $00.40  per percentage rate. A mid-level semi-attractive prostitute goes for around $350 for full service. That’s at a going rate of $3.50 per percentage rate and  A ‘High Class’ prostitute is $2000/hr with a percentage rate at $20.

In other words if I wanted to have sex every night with a prostitute for a year it would cost me $127,750, that’s around four times the average income per year. If I wanted to go to a bar every night and have sex with a different woman it would cost me $15,330, just under half the average income per year. Given that a heroin addict spends around $150 to $200 each day to stay high, I’d say that’s pretty good.

So, let’s play a little game and see where we land. We are going to see where your gamble for emotional connection lands you on the Whore-o-meter. (This only applies to women that are looking for emotional connection, if you are of the rare breed that you are attractive, in good shape and only want sex — stop reading this now and email me your phone number)

Crack Whore: $10 (1.4 Drinks or $0.10 per percentage)

Medium Whore: $350 (Meet at bar + two dates or $3.50 per percentage)

High Class: $2000/hr (Wait until marriage or $20 per percentage rate)

The point of all this, is that the system is broken in our favor — for now — and we intend to take full advantage of it. Ladies if you want a man to commit you have to string him along and not show him ALL your tricks until you’re married, then you can dump them out on the table and then get fat and there’s not a god damn thing he can do about it then.

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10 responses to “Casual Dating, It’s Cheaper Than a Prostitute

  1. There is an Online dating edition too. That one has less work. You just copy/paste the same email to 20 random girls. 15 will respond and then you get to meet up with 5 of them for coffee. Coffee is much cheaper than a drink at a bar, a lot less time (it won’t take longer than 30 minutes to sip on),and less talking is involved to seal the deal (they feel like they already know you from those deep email convo’s). **Drops panties here***

  2. Love this post! Blunt as a bat. Excellent read on the economics of dating and mating. Hilarious, yet accurate. I completely agree that some girls out there are cheaper, easier and more desperate than high-class call girls who actually hold more value in a sense. Women need to understand the system and rework their strategy if they want to play the game to win, which is understanding the male psyche and their environment. They also need to be realistic and aware of where they stack up relative to other women on the market, meaning, there’s lots of competition out there, so you’ve got to have “game” and adapt or step aside. It’s called natural selection. Sounds superficial and shallow, but nature doesn’t care about being politically correct or fair.

  3. For centuries, the most powerful women in the world, like Cleopatra, understood how to use their intellect plus “womanly wiles.” Sex is like currency. They understood the value of it and they knew how to use it.

    • Yup, now that there are more established and driven women, women use sex to gobble up the remaining established men. This drives the value of sex up, but crashes the market because sex is worth a drink and a smile.

  4. You’ve missed out a couple of things! Women like sex too! It’s fucking fantastic! It’s why we have a way of embellishing our language with it! So there are guys who end up with the same problem of being with someone who sees them as a more satisfying option to a vibrator. And it’s infuriating when someone you are happily screwing turns around and gets upset that you’re seeing someone else. Well excuse me! I never said I was in a relationship with you.

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