Love Is a Burning Thing

“Have a seat Paw-Paw and watch your stories. It’ll pass. Grandma will stop being a bitch once she finishes this line.”


Dear Jerk,

I am in love with a guy who has a girlfriend. At first he refused me , but now he is just being mean and putting me in some unpleasant situations what should I do?



Dear T,

First thing you should do is grow a some lady balls and the second thing you should do is stop watching romantic comedies. Love isn’t some sort of serendipitous magic spell that Cupid and his rosy cheeks spread around like syphilis. According to Louann Brizendine M.D. in her book The Female Brain she stats that for women, love is more closely related to the symptoms of addictions such as gambling, shopping, cocaine or eating toilet paper (whatever floats your boat).

She says that it stems from endorphin gains. For those of you who haven’t fallen asleep in a bio-chemistry class in a while, endorphin are essentially the warm and fuzzies you feel when you do things you like. They are your body’s way of saying, ‘keep doing this.’ The problem however, your body is dumb as shit — it has no brain.

“Duh, hey guys, I like getting hit by cars.”

Endorphin releases are the source of all addictions. Every time an alcoholic drinks or a gambler gambles, he gets an endorphin release. Same shit with someone who is in love. When they get around the person they are in love or want to have sex with — BOOM — endorphin release. For most people that aren’t the fat ugly kid in a romantic comedy, you fall in love with someone that falls in love with you and everything is puppies, rose pedals and baby shit. Then when you break up, it’s like your … going through… withdraws.Just like a physical addiction. I’ve said it before, Ke$ha is the genius of our time or a fucking idiot, because she call this a long time ago in the greatest song of all time, or the worst pile of feces ever .


Worst pile of feces ever. Easily. Is that a young Andy Garcia or Jesus?

You start hanging around this person, and you don’t hate that they just LOVE the new Transformers movies — like oh my gawd it has explosions — or the fact that snort when they laugh at your shitty jokes. So each time you hang around this person of sexual desire you get an endorphin release, and because of evolution your brain knows where it can get an easy endorphin release rather than going for a walk, camping, staying active, singing or cleaning up dog shit you decide to hang out with this person more and more and more and more and MORE AND MORE AND… HE WORKS AT MCDONALDS HE HAS A JOB BITCH! GET YOUR OWN MAN! I SWEAR I’LL CUT YOU!

This is the reason why when you smell your boyfriend’s t-shirt or your girlfriend’s hair you get all happy. You’ve done a Pavlovian association with your endorphin release and the pheromones on his stank ass shirt. That’s a story for another blog…

So, T, what I suggest is a 12 step love problem. Step 1, put on your painted lies (that I mentioned in a previous blog) you ladies call, make-up, push-up bras, high heels, spanks and ect. Step 2, go to a place of lower morals, club or bar. Step 3, flirt and/or have a one night stand with the closest attractive person you find. Step 4, profit. Steps 5 through 12 repeat until you fill that empty void with sex, drugs and rock and roll or stop at flirting.

“So, some jerk said I should have sex and/or flirt with the closest attractive guy at a bar. That guy is much more attractive than you, can you get him for me.”


Now, you can check “Get over an addiction” off on your bucket list! Congrats!

T, Next time you want to get addicted to a man make sure they are single, all of their limbs are functioning, a stable job, a future plan, likes westerns, likes dogs not cats and doesn’t own a pair of skinny jeans (unless he was a hipster for Halloween and keeps them for future Halloween usage — don’t judge [or get addicted if that’s your thing]).

p.s. I’m back.

2 responses to “Love Is a Burning Thing

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