Valentine’s Supply and Demand, Get ’em While They’re Lonely

Dear Jerk,

I feel kind of ashamed asking this, but this is my 4th Valentine’s day without a girlfriend, what do you recommend I do on Valentine’s day to avoid getting depressed.

-J

J,

First of all, wipe your tears off your ‘My Little Pony’ pillow with a Maxi pad you freaking hatchet wound (new favorite way to call a man a pussy) and do something about it. Do you think that the smell of fresh spilled tears attracts women? No, you dumb ass, that’s a rhetorical question, of course it doesn’t. 

Ladies...

"Suddenly, he got a lot more attractive, I don't know why." - All my female readers

There are two types of men in this world, hatchet wounds (you) and people that take advantage of a bad situation, and give themselves an excuse to partake in immoral and hedonistic behavior.

Lets use our deductive reasoning powers here for a second. Valentine’s day is the one holiday in the year that is devoted entirely to love. Which gender gives more fucks about love? Now, which gender do you think is going to be out in hordes at the bars and clubs grieving their pathetic and lonely existences? Women. Pitty fucks for everyone! Yay!

I can hear it now:

“God, he’s not that cute, but I don’t want to spend another Valentine’s night alone…”

“Ugh, he looks a little like my ex-boyfriend.”

“You’ll do.”

“I just want to feel happy for one night.”

“(Insert statement pertaining to daddy issues).”

“FINE.”

“I just want to fuck, not marry him, Jesus.”

Now, if you’re a nice looking guy that has been planning for this day all year (this guy), your league has increased by at least 2 points. So, if you were a hideous 3, you could go up to a fuck-able 5; if you’re a fuck-able 5 already, you could go up to a non-alcoholic fuck-able.

So, put on your nicest shirt, best cologne, and your best moves you hatchet wound, because there are some lonely hearts out there looking for you to make them feel even more lonely.

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5 responses to “Valentine’s Supply and Demand, Get ’em While They’re Lonely

  1. Wait, I thought Valentine’s Day was the holiday dedicated to sitting at home in your pajamas, watching The Notebook, eating chocolate and crying about how no one will ever love you as much as Noah loves Allie. Not that I do that or anything, but I’ve heard other chicks do. ::cough:: ::shifty eyes:: Pity fucks it is!

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