Why I’m in the Friend-Zone, and You’re Not.

"One level away from her asking you to throw away her trash can full of used condoms."

Dear Jerk,

I keep getting put into the friend zone, how do I avoid being put here, or how do I get out of it?

-A

 

A,

(For the second time, and if this gets taken down again, I’m going to fucking riot)

Ah, the friend zone. The damn dirty friend zone. For those of you who are Tim Tebow, Mormon, or a woman the friend zone is a mental grouping of all the objects women won’t have sex with: nice guys, pets, snuggies, her favorite pair of shoes, poor people, the unemployed, and everything else in the world that isn’t handsome, fit, charming, and a complete insensitive asshole.

So, go down the following list and see if you possess all the following qualities if you don’t, you know what to do:

  • Handsome: Do people compliment you on your looks? or did you receive a 7 or higher from the shallow fucks at Hotornot.com?
  • Fit: Do you go to the gym on a consistent basis and are concerned with a well balanced and healthy diet? Do you spend more time at the gym than you do sitting on your fat ass watching TV or playing video games?
  • Charming: Can you make just about anyone smile just by smiling at them and saying hello? Do people blush when you compliment them instead of say, “Get the fuck away from me.”
  • A Complete Insensitive Asshole: The fact that you are still reading this means you give a shit about what people think you failed this test — you pussy.

So, now that we know you are ugly, out of shape, creepy and/or a nice guy, we can start from there.

This is WordPress's new mirror widget, cool huh?

If you want to get out of the friend zone you have to change all that my friend, and by friend I mean not my friend, because you’re a pussy.

So, let’s say the girl that FZ’d you is name Veronica, because that sounds like a hot girl name (If you’re named Veronica and are butt ugly, let me know so I can change this to a different name). Now when she met you, she put you into one of three categories within 15 seconds: Ew, Meh, Hey.

  • ‘Ew’ means you’re less than the non sexual objects, you are the lowest form of existence. You are like the feeling a person would get right when they realized a chimpanzee has thrown feces at their face and there is nothing you can do about it, but get shitfaced.
  • ‘Meh’ means she acknowledges your presence, but doesn’t want to see you naked.
  • ‘Hey’ means she wants to see you naked, not your dick, just your naked body.

So, obviously, you have been placed in Meh for the above reasons. This how you get of the friend zone is just 5 easy steps:

  1. Don’t talk to Veronica about her fucking problems.
  2. Don’t meet up with Veronica for a long time.
  3. (Most importantly) Change everything about yourself, and morph into a handsome, charming, fit, and insensitive asshole.
  4. Meet up with Veronica, and do the ‘What’s up’ pose
  5. Profit

"Oh, (insert your pussy-ass name) you're so handsome, fit, charming, and mysterious (aka insensitive asshole).

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4 responses to “Why I’m in the Friend-Zone, and You’re Not.

  1. Ok wtf. I fit everything on that list: I’m an 8+ in looks, bench 340 with an 8 pack and obliques, I make 60k/year, and fuck you because fuck you. I still don’t get pussy anywhere near regularly. Fuck it I’m just going to buy a high end sex doll. Women are shit.

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