Since I can’t find an about page, I’m posting this under one of my favorite topic headings. Farts and anus jazz. I nominated your blog for an award in my post today. This seems like something that will get me unfollowed by you, but your blog cracks me up, so I’m risking jerk scorn today.
If I had a heart, it would sore right now with this complement, but I don’t, so it won’t. So, thank you for that.
Just like women think that faking orgasms are a good idea because it gives you the warm and fuzzies, I’m sure they think that nominating blogging awards do the same.
The first time I was nominated for a blogging award, I was secretly ecstatic. I had just started blogging and someone found the blogging of an asshole entertaining enough to nominate me for an award. This was not too dissimilar from the first couple times I had sex, I would use whatever skills I had seen on the internet and heard stories about and ‘Vwala’ Orgasm on the first try. DAMN I’M GOOD.
And if you aren’t on the inside of this joke watch this video then revel at how fucking funny I am, and how I can make my own memes.
I had heard all of my friends say they couldn’t get their girlfriends off, and were asking me all of my moves like I had a fucking clue.
“Well, first you ask her nicely to take off her pants, then you make sure to tell her that her cellulite isn’t noticeable, but the key boys, is this: tell her to put the condom on because you don’t know how to and then ask her if your pee-pee looks big.”
Next girl I had sex with, literately said, “What the fuck are you doing? Are you serious right now? No, I haven’t had an orgasm yet, you haven’t even put it in yet!” and my world came crashing down around my skinny pale lied to ass. I was pissed!
So, after getting recommended for the award I did some research on the award I was nominated for.
- First step, you have to thank the nominator. This was understandable, of course I want to thank the person who nominates me for an award, that’s just customary, even for an asshole.
- Second step is share seven things about you. Ok, so it’s like an acceptance speech. Cool.
- Nominate 15 other people. Wait, what? Why do I have the right to nominate something when I haven’t even won it?
Nominate 15 people. Nobody wins. Nominate 15 people. Nobody wins. It’s like going to a POS party. What the fuck is an award nomination if no one wins it? I’ll tell you what it is, woman logic. Damn dirty woman logic.
“Oh, I’ll just fake an orgasm so he feels good about himself.”
“Don’t be such a dick Skeletonfingers, these nominations make people feel good about themselves.”
These award where you nominate 15 other people and no one wins is like the gold medals at the special Olympics — with less work! It’s called the Special Olympics, because it patronizes the handicapped to say they are “Special,” to keep these kids and adults spirits up and everyone wins! Yay! I’m Versatile! I use all the keys on the keyboard!
“Oh, I don’t know how to run? Well, I have 6 Special Olympic Gold medals that says I do. Suck on that.”
“Oh, I don’t know how to write a blog? Well I’ve been nominated 4 times for blogging awards where you nominate a shit load of people and no one wins. Suck on that.”
“Oh, I’m bad at sex? Well the last girl said I always gave her orgasms while her clothes were still on.”
I propose a new award, it’s called the award where you write a post, make it worth a shit to read, people follow you, and waste their conscious hours reading the shit you say. That’s award enough for me — stealing hours from people’s lives. I nominate everyone who blogs to try to do this.
I don’t need to post some giant ass baby shit green picture that says I’m a versatile blogger.
But I cannot be too mad, I’ve only been recommended for these awards by women, and women don’t live in the land of logic, reason, and competitiveness. Ladies, you keep your warm and fuzzies, and I’ll keep being an asshole.