Blogging Awards Are Like Faked Orgasms

Dear Jerk,

Since I can’t find an about page, I’m posting this under one of my favorite topic headings. Farts and anus jazz. I nominated your blog for an award in my post today. This seems like something that will get me unfollowed by you, but your blog cracks me up, so I’m risking jerk scorn today.

-RFL

RFL,

If I had a heart, it would sore right now with this complement, but I don’t, so it won’t. So, thank you for that.

Just like women think that faking orgasms are a good idea because it gives you the warm and fuzzies, I’m sure they think that nominating blogging awards do the same.

The first time I was nominated for a blogging award, I was secretly ecstatic. I had just started blogging and someone found the blogging of an asshole entertaining enough to nominate me for an award. This was not too dissimilar from the first couple times I had sex, I would use whatever skills I had seen on the internet and heard stories about and ‘Vwala’ Orgasm on the first try. DAMN I’M GOOD.

GOD DAMN IT CHUCK TESTA!

And if you aren’t on the inside of this joke watch this video then revel at how fucking funny I am, and how I can make my own memes.

I had heard all of my friends say they couldn’t get their girlfriends off, and were asking me all of my moves like I had a fucking clue.

“Well, first you ask her nicely to take off her pants, then you make sure to tell her that her cellulite isn’t noticeable, but the key boys, is this: tell her to put the condom on because you don’t know how to and then ask her if your pee-pee looks big.”

Next girl I had sex with, literately said, “What the fuck are you doing? Are you serious right now? No, I haven’t had an orgasm yet, you haven’t even put it in yet!” and my world came crashing down around my skinny pale lied to ass. I was pissed!

So, after getting recommended for the award I did some research on the award I was nominated for.

  • First step, you have to thank the nominator. This was understandable, of course I want to thank the person who nominates me for an award, that’s just customary, even for an asshole.
  • Second step is share seven things about you. Ok, so it’s like an acceptance speech. Cool.
1. I hate Nickleback
2. I hate people who like to say like
3. I hate when people think they’ve bonded while shitting in a public restroom and say, while your washing your hands, “Man, that shit felt so good man.”
4.I think traffic cops are all shitheads
5. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR CAT IN A FUCKING HAT OR A SCARF OR ANY HUMAN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING.
6. I think your baby is fucking ugly.
7. I want to die by being smothered by a pool filled with wriggling naked ladies.
  • Nominate 15 other people. Wait, what? Why do I have the right to nominate something when I haven’t even won it?

Nominate 15 people. Nobody wins. Nominate 15 people. Nobody wins. It’s like going to a POS party. What the fuck is an award nomination if no one wins it? I’ll tell you what it is, woman logic. Damn dirty woman logic.

“Oh, I’ll just fake an orgasm so he feels good about himself.”

“Don’t be such a dick Skeletonfingers, these nominations make people feel good about themselves.”

“I’M FINE!”

These award where you nominate 15 other people and no one wins is like the gold medals at the special Olympics — with less work! It’s called the Special Olympics, because it patronizes the handicapped to say they are “Special,” to keep these kids and adults spirits up and everyone wins! Yay! I’m Versatile! I use all the keys on the keyboard!

"Someone nominated my blog about how much I love Mr. Flufflez, my cat, how am I going to find 15 other blogs that love Mr. Flufflez too!?"

“Oh, I don’t know how to run? Well, I have 6 Special Olympic Gold medals that says I do. Suck on that.”

“Oh, I don’t know how to write a blog? Well I’ve been nominated 4 times for blogging awards where you nominate a shit load of people and no one wins. Suck on that.”

“Oh, I’m bad at sex? Well the last girl said I always gave her orgasms while her clothes were still on.”

SAME SHIT.

I propose a new award, it’s called the award where you write a post, make it worth a shit to read, people follow you, and waste their conscious hours reading the shit you say. That’s award enough for me — stealing hours from people’s lives. I nominate everyone who blogs to try to do this.

I don’t need to post some giant ass baby shit green picture that says I’m a versatile blogger.

But I cannot be too mad, I’ve only been recommended for these awards by women, and women don’t live in the land of logic, reason, and competitiveness. Ladies, you keep your warm and fuzzies, and I’ll keep being an asshole.

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19 responses to “Blogging Awards Are Like Faked Orgasms

  1. I was “nominated” for this award – by a man, no less – and I didn’t feel it was in any way authentic. My blogging is certainly not versatile, nor is many people’s. They pick a topic they know, and they write about that topic. Specifically and solely that topic.

    Incidentally, on the subject of faking orgasms, while I don’t recommend it as a regular thing, I have had times when it just wasn’t going to happen and the guy was bound and determined he was absolutely going to get me off, no matter what, and it just got wearisome, so I totally faked it. No one was the wiser, and all parties were satisfied.

  2. Wishing I had gone with my first instinct right about now, but this post was fucking hilarious. I appreciate you making it about the asinine qualities of the awards, of my gender, and not my writing. See–you aren’t a total dick hole. I hope the extreme stat spike you must still be enjoying from this nomination was award enough. Faking is for women who don’t understand their clit, and for men with giant egos and tiny wood. I still like your writing, and I see this is a no thanks on the Snuggie! Noted.

      • That was, of course, the joke. Just a link to your blog, but I fully expected to be ignored or incite your wrath. Chain mail is stupid. Of course it’s not a real award and I’m painfully aware of how dumb it is to be happy about it. More so now, but it was worth it. Most honest post I’ve read today.

  3. I loved this treatment of receiving awards. It was elegant and thoughtful, and also fucking fucked in the asshole. I bet you didn’t see that coming! That’s what he said! Bam Bam two in a row. Also what he said. You fell right into that! That’s what she said.

    In other news, “she” says a lot of stuff, but I wish she’d just shut the hell up.

  4. So you didn’t get nominated for an award. You got sucked into a nomination chain letter. What happens if you break the chain?

  5. two things.
    1. i love how i hear you voice in my head when i read this.
    2. *soar (go find it)

    — and yes, i’m non-capping just to drive you ape-shit =)

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