The Four Types of Women, What are You?

Dear Jerk,

I overheard two guys talking and one used the phrase marriage material, what the hell does that mean?



Marriage material is one of the four categories that men place ALL women in. A woman’s job, if she chooses to accept it, is to find out what category she is in without asking — like she’s a crazy ass. The secret and personal categories are based upon each man’s personal tastes, both physically and *gasp* personalty based traits… mostly physically.

Ways to improve your category: go to the gym, not be a crazy-ass, tell us what you’re actually thinking, not be ugly, go to the gym.

"If there's thinking, she's a category 1."

Category One: ranges from, “Yea, ok, I would,” to “Oh man, I would totally”

This category is comprised of the women that we would simply have sex with and nothing else. These are the women that aren’t ugly, but aren’t super attractive, possibly with a nice body. Personality holds no bearing here.

"If you're OK with hearing about her problems and her obsession with reality TV. She's a category 2."

Category Two: ranges from, “Do you think she likes McDonalds,” to “Pick anything you want baby.”

This category is comprised of all the women you want to have sex with, that you would be willing to pay for a meal or several meals and/or entertainment. These women are not only attractive, but they have fun, cool, or entertaining personalities. This category has a bit of a cost benefit analysis factor to it. For each league rating over 5, add 20 dollars to the maximum date cost per night. If you’re a 6, he’ll drop 20 bucks, if you’re a 10, he’ll probably have no problem dropping a 100 bill on the table. A really fun, 8 or 9 is worth 100, but a really fun, slutty 10 is worth 300 in some circles — aka prostitute.

"If you would wear this shirt, she's a category 3."

Category Three: ranges from, “OK, fine, you win,” to, “WILL YOU MARRY ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.”

This category is subjective to each man and could easily be confused with category two. For me, a category three is a women that I would violate all my previous codes of conduct and want to act like a completely different person. If for some reason this blog is changed from, ask a jerk to, ask a super duper nice guy, you’ll know I met a category three.

If Anne Hathaway approached me, and said, “We can have sex if you marry me after dating for 4 years, 1 year engagement, and a gigantic wedding ring. You cannot have sex with anyone else, date anyone else, or even be mildly romantic with another woman, you also have to change your blog from ‘ask a jerk’ to ‘ask a super duper nice guy,’ is that ok.” I would say yes without hesitating.

In order to fit into this category, you have to understand how men view the world. Our genes are fashioned in such a way that we were created to spread our seed all over the world without a second thought. A category three makes us throw all that out the window in exchange for sex with one woman, and someone to laugh at our stupid ass jokes until we die.

GAH, GET IT AWAY. Category 4.

Category Four: Everyone else

8 responses to “The Four Types of Women, What are You?

    • You’re right, but that only can tip the favor in the case of category one and four. There is no amount of alcohol in the world that would make a category four a two or a three.

  1. All of which supports the theory that women should never have sex with men until they get a ring and a marriage certificate. Because everything else, every other relationship, involves a woman who lies to herself in order to imagine she is in a good relationship.

  2. Soooo true…. but a bit more info. on changing categories (if that is at all really possible no matter how many trips to the gym or how much you win in the lottery) would also be helpful…

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