Nice Guys Finish Last — For a Reason

"I want you, to stop being a pussy."

Dear Jerk,

Why do nice guys finish last?

-J

J,

Nice guys finish last because even though this world may appear to be kind and gentle, our subconscious still thinks it’s 10,000 BC and you’re a pussy.

In 10,000 BC there was no such thing as love, kindness, or cuddling and believe it or not, women are a lot more in touch with this mentality than you may think.

This is what women see when you ask them how their day was, or take them dancing. FRIEND ZONED!

During the stone age our brains were forced to constantly seek out sexual mates to procreate with because at any moment, during the stone age, something larger could have eaten us or stomped us to death or any number of communicable disease may have killed us or we just simply ran out of food. There was no time for dating or courting, our ancestors had to make quick decisions on the spot as to which person they should have sex with.

The men chose women with large breasts, full lips, wide hips, long legs, shiny hair, and large eyes. All things that are indicators of good genes, fertility or survive-ability.

Women would accept men with full heads of hair, thick beards, deep voices, tall, large frame, muscular, social leaders, and of course the Dark Triad. All things that are indicators of survive-ability and good genes.

The Dark Triad, which I’ve mentioned in many of my other blogs is the ‘asshole gene’ found in people who are selfish, narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, uncharitable, unforgiving, and grudge holding. Although these are all seen as negative personality traits in modern society, these traits are highly desirable in worlds without morals such as 10,000 BC, westerns, and New Jersey.

This is what women see when you tell her to mind her own God Damn business.

These traits whispers sweet nothings to the subconscious sexually active part of a woman’s caveman baby making brain. The same way large breasts and long legs do for men.

In modern dating, the moment a woman meets a man, she immediately decides if she is going to eventually have sex with him or place him into the damned awful friend zone to be drained of his soul and the dark triad, according to studies, has been shown as a successful short term mating strategy for men.

Just like men, women want a gentlemen(lady of the street) in public, but a caveman(freak) in the bedroom.

The problem is that women have a much easier time proving that they are a freak in the bedroom and a lady in the street than men do, because the average man is simply sexually attracted to an attractive women, while the average woman is sexually attracted to someone with the Dark Triad, who is going to end up being selfish sexually — so ALL men suffer.

So, in short J. nice guys get friend zoned, and assholes get sex, and if you actually are a nice guy, and a caveman in the bedroom, good luck proving it to her by being a nice guy. It’s much better to be a fucking asshole, and surprise her with kindness, at least you’ll have a shot.

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8 responses to “Nice Guys Finish Last — For a Reason

  1. I don’t know, the friend zone is a pretty good place to launch a sneak attack from. That’s how my last boyfriend went about it and I’m STILL in love with the guy. Of course, that requires the kind of long-term strategy skills that most guys just don’t possess.

    • That’s a TERRIBLE place to launch a sneak attack from. Unless someone has changed drastically i.e. working out, more money, lost weight, or something people are friendzoned for a reason.

      • That’s why it’s called a SNEAK attack! Because it’s unexpected and difficult. If it were easy or obvious it wouldn’t work.If you’re willing to play the long game, there’s a way out of the friend zone.

  2. Strangely … I gotta agree with you on this one. Most nice guys come across as boring, unexciting, weak and severely deficient. And I think a lot of women get off the idea of taming a bad boy and turning him around, hence it is better for guys to come across as bastards and then reveal their nicer sides in the bedroom. That way, everybody gets what they want.

    • Nicer side in the bedroom!? Women don’t want to hear, “Excuse me, would you please put your fanny there for me, that’d be great. You are beautiful, how’s your mom?”

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