Why You’re in the Friend Zone, and I’m Not.

"One level away from her asking you to throw away her trash can full of used condoms."

Dear Jerk,

I keep getting put into the friend zone, how do I avoid being put here, or how do I get out of it?

-A

A,

Ah, the friend zone. The damn dirty friend zone. For those of you who are Tim Tebow, Mormon, or a woman the friend zone is a mental grouping of all the objects women won’t have sex with: nice guys, pets, snuggies, her favorite pair of shoes, poor people, the unemployed, and everything else in the world that isn’t handsome, fit, charming, and a complete insensitive asshole.

So, go down the following list and see if you possess all the following qualities if you don’t, you know what to do:

  • Handsome: Do people compliment you on your looks? or did you receive a 7 or higher from the shallow fucks at Hotornot.com?
  • Fit: Do you go to the gym on a consistent basis and are concerned with a well balanced and healthy diet? Do you spend more time at the gym than you do sitting on your fat ass watching TV or playing video games?
  • Charming: Can you make just about anyone smile just by smiling at them and saying hello? Do people blush when you compliment them instead of say, “Get the fuck away from me.”
  • A Complete Insensitive Asshole: The fact that you are still reading this means you give a shit about what people think you failed this test — you pussy.

So, now that we know you are ugly, out of shape, creepy and/or a nice guy, we can start from there.

This is WordPress's new mirror widget, cool huh?

If you want to get out of the friend zone you have to change all that my friend, and by friend I mean not my friend, because you’re a pussy.

So, let’s say the girl that FZ’d you is name Veronica, because that sounds like a hot girl name (If you’re named Veronica and are butt ugly, let me know so I can change this to a different name). Now when she met you, she put you into one of three categories within 15 seconds: Ew, Meh, Hey.

  • ‘Ew’ means you’re less than the non sexual objects, you are the lowest form of existence. You are like the feeling a person would get right when they realized a chimpanzee has thrown feces at their face and there is nothing you can do about it, but get shitfaced.
  • ‘Meh’ means she acknowledges your presence, but doesn’t want to see you naked.
  • ‘Hey’ means she wants to see you naked, not your dick, just your naked body.

So, obviously, you have been placed in Meh for the above reasons. This how you get of the friend zone is just 5 easy steps:

  1. Don’t talk to Veronica about her fucking problems.
  2. Don’t meet up with Veronica for a long time.
  3. (Most importantly) Change everything about yourself, and morph into a handsome, charming, fit, and insensitive asshole.
  4. Meet up with Veronica, and do the ‘What’s up’ pose
  5. Profit

"Oh, (insert your pussy-ass name) you're so handsome, fit, charming, and mysterious (aka insensitive asshole).

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9 responses to “Why You’re in the Friend Zone, and I’m Not.

  1. Lol, if you don’t want to be put in the friend zone don’t start there. Be confident, don’t try to slick your way into her heart by being the most caring, love advice giving, heterosexual gay male best friend you can be. Be yourself and be confident. Think before you speak and act, if it seems like something her girlfriend would say or do….don’t say/do it.

  2. Well, the lady whisper is someone who knows everything about woman and can tell you what she’s thinking and why. So, normally a girl is thinking about how cold it is or complaining about some other thing that she doesn’t want to voice, so… not so hot….

    • That’s not entirely true. Sometimes we’re thinking about how delicious chocolate is, or how hot Ryan Gosling is, or how we really want that cute guy to just fucking kiss us already. Seriously, just make a friggin move. I mean…chocolate?

      • Knowing when to make the move is one of the most difficult things to read on a woman. Men are socialized not to touch, the same way women are socialized not to have sex and women don’t give overt signs when they are ready to have a move put on them. It’s a sum of the experience.

      • If she touches you and that touch is not a get-the-fuck-away-from-me push or a you-perv slap, she wants you to kiss her. If she’s standing close enough for her boobs to rub up against your chest and you’re not on an incredibly packed subway, she wants you to kiss her. Also, if she’s incredibly drunk and practically in your lap, she wants you to kiss her. Just sayin’

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