Equality or Chivalry: Take Your Pick

Dear Jerk,

What ever happened to chivalry? Is it dead, or did men just give up all together?

-B

Dear B,

Is chivalry dead? Yes and No. In the Southern states of America, the women observe a strict policy of hold the door for me, or ‘fuck you.’

“How dare you not hold the door for me and my delicate sensibilities, excuse me, I have to go now and demand that I be treated equally in the workplace now — you dick.”

"Now, stop looking at my low cut blouse, that's for Richard in accounting."

I’m going to say that the modern woman is the most selfish and confused person ever. Equality or chivalry… pick one. Either I get to make googly eyes at your breasts and butt and hold the door for you or treat you like an equal and reserve the 10 calories it takes to hold the door for something much more stressful like walking away while you talk about The Bachelor or some other weepy show where men get paid to cry.

Personally, I have made a vow of, “Fuck Chivalry.” Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a dick, but because I think that women should be treated equally, and in order to consider them equal in this modern — easy as shit, non-lion, tigers, and bears world, we must STOP considering women to be delicate little sheets of flowered scented tissue paper and let them fend for themselves against the onslaught of swinging doors. I cannot remember the last time I’ve seen a women place the back of her hand over her forehead and faint at the weight of a door.

"I haven't left the house all day, the door just weighs too much. Whatever shall I do?"

The only time I will give a woman special treatment is if she is a relative, my girlfriend, wife, or she is pregnant, other than than that you are  floating in the wind against swinging doors, standing on the subway, your portion of a meal at Applebees, standing up when you leave the table, and, my favorite, tossing my expensive jacket into a God damn puddle so you can step on it. Because honestly, if you cannot stand up, push a door, or walk around a puddle you should be in a God damn nursing home watching your stories covered in Ben-gay.

Chivalry came out of a time when women were considered to be the weaker sex, and that men were given superior strength in order compensate for women’s lack of natural muscle. Back then, the doors were made of oak and cast iron, instead of fiber glass, and the puddles had giant squids in them so you HAD to toss your cloak over it so it couldn’t see you, and because women weren’t allowed to work or have jobs, the men HAD to pay for their Bloom’n Onions and Appletinis. So, by EXPECTING chivalry you are buying into the fact that you ARE the weaker sex and that you aren’t a modern women with principles.

So, women of Earth, it is time to choose.

CHIVALRY:

Don’t have to do shit, but cook, clean and make babies. No more doors to hold, meals to pay for, or puddles to stomp through. People won’t ask your opinion on stupid topics of debate, because your opinion doesn’t matter, unless it involves curtains– you’re a woman. When shit is blowing up or sinking, you are one of the first on the life boat or space pod, considering all the children are too stupid to find their way. You don’t have to go to war, but men will proposition you for unattached sex, and you will turn them down because you are a prude.You don’t have to read shitty Twilight books, because you cannot read. You don’t have to make tough choices because you are unreasonable and prone to fits of fainting and hysteria that can only be remedied with slaps, followed by, “GET A-HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN.” You cannot be President, and you certainly don’t get to wear pants or pee standing up.

EQUALITY:

You have plenty of options in your life that don’t include Tupperware, spatulas, ovens, and shit-filled diapers, but you have to touch door knobs, pay for your chicken Caesar salad that you didn’t eat, and walk around puddles that get in your way. People will constantly ask your opinions on abortion because you have a vagina. When the Titanic sank, your grandmother had to go down with the ship, so you don’t exist. If you did exist, you would have to sign up for the selective service just like men did when they turn 18 because you are no longer considered to be a desired and treasured sexual object, but now considered to be an object that can be torn to bits for arbitrary reasons decided by men and women, who are prone to fits of rage while on their period. Because there would be more women then men, the house and senate have a majority of women, and when women work together frequently, their periods become harmonized. Bills pass through congress involving war, and because women are on their Period-Rage it passes and you are blown to bits by a bomb.

I need you ladies to vote on this, so I can know if I’m allowed to oogle or if I should turn gay.

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12 responses to “Equality or Chivalry: Take Your Pick

  1. I love this post. So OK, I want equality. BUT I want men to hold doors open for me. As I do for them, if I get there first. As for the sinking ship, save the children (and those who are caring for them, whether male or female), and others who might not be able to save themselves. Offer me a seat on the Metro if I’m pregnant (women win) or elderly (male or female). Equality with mutual consideration.

    • I agree with the door thing, doors are easy to keep open for the next person reguardless of your wobbly bits. Lets hope you have the same thought when your sinking on a ship,” No no, please, I would much rather die by drowning then conflict my principles.”

  2. Ah, good to have you back Jerk. I for one choose equality. I spend enough time at the gym that I’m pretty sure I have the muscle to open my own damn doors and the agility to dodge those pesky puddles. However, I’m not above accepting a free drink if it’s offered. If you’re dumb enough to think that buying me a drink equals taking me home, then you’re dumb enough for me to take advantage and laugh in your face when I go home by myself. As for the sinking of ships, I think the women and children thing is just to preserve the species. You really only need one dude to keep the species going, but you’re going to need a few baby factories aka vaginas. It’s just a biological imperative.

    • Survival? You act like women are a one time baby maker — one and done. If there were a billion men and one woman, it would just take longer to repopulate the world, and the men could fight to the death for the one that gets to make the babies. Atleast he would have badass genes.

      • Not one and done, but it’s kind of like those cooking TV shows when they stick something in the oven but they only have so much time in the show so they have another one waiting to just pop out. If there were a billion men and only one woman, she’d die before making enough babies to repopulate the species, probably in childbirth. Besides, the guy who won the fight might not have the best genes for survival, just the best ass kicking genes. But could he build a fucking house? Of take down a mountain lion to feed the preggers lady who wouldn’t be able to do any of that stuff with a bun in the oven? Doubtful.

  3. If he can kill billions of men, I’m sure he can kill one little old mountain lion. Besides if there was only one woman or one man, there would be so much incest in future generations, that the whole world would look like Alabama.

  4. Chivalry isn’t dead…just wrote about this in my most recent post. There are still lots of chivalrous guys out there!

    For me, it’s not about equality, necessarily. It’s about being wooed, and about a guy respecting or impressing a girl. If the guy doesn’t give a flip about a girl or impressing her, he’s not going to do things like pull out chairs for her and stuff, if he does, he will. It’s pretty much that simple. That said, I know I can open any door for myself or take off my own coat. I’m not threatened, from a woman’s movement perspective, if a man tries to do these things for me. I do want him to do these things for me though out of respect and a want to show me his A game, and really show me he cares. It’s more about the nice gesture.

    Plus, guys who never got that kind of role modeling when they were younger won’t be as inclined to do these things, even if they are decent guys. If you only ever saw your dad bark at your mom or never really had a father figure in your life, unless your mom drilled it into your head that you should do these things out of respect for a woman, then a guy probably won’t just do them naturally.

    • Why shouldn’t women do the same for men then if she’s trying to impress him? If a girl is trying to impress a guy, all she does is put on heels, make up, and grace him with her presence and laugh at his stupid jokes.

      I’m not calling for a cease-fire on chivalry, but I’m just pointing out women’s expectant double standard. I’m glad that women are impressed by something as easy as being nice.

  5. We do do things to impress guys…lots of things that you may have no idea about as they’re built into societal norms, ie. removing almost 90% of our body hair, and going to great lengths to do other things like that which society says will make us more impressive and desirable to men, just like men opening doors for women is built into a society as a “norm.”

    What’s more sad is that, to your point, our behavior as a culture has become so inherently rude over time that guys doing things considered to be nice…just because…get looked at as going above and beyond these days. I guess that means all guys are now jerks and the ones who do the easiest of nice things like help a woman with her coat, are seen as knights in shining armor. Not so good for all men out there.

    • So, you only shave your legs and deal with hair solely for men? What other great lengths do women go through besides putting on lies that make her appear more beautiful that she is?

      Actually, the majority of men that I know, are nice guys — to their detriment. Hell, I used to be one, but I’ve gotten so much farther in life and with women when I speak my mind and stand next to my principles. This doesn’t mean be a jerk to women you care about, it just means reserve the kindness for them.

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