What ever happened to chivalry? Is it dead, or did men just give up all together?
Is chivalry dead? Yes and No. In the Southern states of America, the women observe a strict policy of hold the door for me, or ‘fuck you.’
“How dare you not hold the door for me and my delicate sensibilities, excuse me, I have to go now and demand that I be treated equally in the workplace now — you dick.”
I’m going to say that the modern woman is the most selfish and confused person ever. Equality or chivalry… pick one. Either I get to make googly eyes at your breasts and butt and hold the door for you or treat you like an equal and reserve the 10 calories it takes to hold the door for something much more stressful like walking away while you talk about The Bachelor or some other weepy show where men get paid to cry.
Personally, I have made a vow of, “Fuck Chivalry.” Not because I’m lazy or because I’m a dick, but because I think that women should be treated equally, and in order to consider them equal in this modern — easy as shit, non-lion, tigers, and bears world, we must STOP considering women to be delicate little sheets of flowered scented tissue paper and let them fend for themselves against the onslaught of swinging doors. I cannot remember the last time I’ve seen a women place the back of her hand over her forehead and faint at the weight of a door.
The only time I will give a woman special treatment is if she is a relative, my girlfriend, wife, or she is pregnant, other than than that you are floating in the wind against swinging doors, standing on the subway, your portion of a meal at Applebees, standing up when you leave the table, and, my favorite, tossing my expensive jacket into a God damn puddle so you can step on it. Because honestly, if you cannot stand up, push a door, or walk around a puddle you should be in a God damn nursing home watching your stories covered in Ben-gay.
Chivalry came out of a time when women were considered to be the weaker sex, and that men were given superior strength in order compensate for women’s lack of natural muscle. Back then, the doors were made of oak and cast iron, instead of fiber glass, and the puddles had giant squids in them so you HAD to toss your cloak over it so it couldn’t see you, and because women weren’t allowed to work or have jobs, the men HAD to pay for their Bloom’n Onions and Appletinis. So, by EXPECTING chivalry you are buying into the fact that you ARE the weaker sex and that you aren’t a modern women with principles.
So, women of Earth, it is time to choose.
Don’t have to do shit, but cook, clean and make babies. No more doors to hold, meals to pay for, or puddles to stomp through. People won’t ask your opinion on stupid topics of debate, because your opinion doesn’t matter, unless it involves curtains– you’re a woman. When shit is blowing up or sinking, you are one of the first on the life boat or space pod, considering all the children are too stupid to find their way. You don’t have to go to war, but men will proposition you for unattached sex, and you will turn them down because you are a prude.You don’t have to read shitty Twilight books, because you cannot read. You don’t have to make tough choices because you are unreasonable and prone to fits of fainting and hysteria that can only be remedied with slaps, followed by, “GET A-HOLD OF YOURSELF WOMAN.” You cannot be President, and you certainly don’t get to wear pants or pee standing up.
You have plenty of options in your life that don’t include Tupperware, spatulas, ovens, and shit-filled diapers, but you have to touch door knobs, pay for your chicken Caesar salad that you didn’t eat, and walk around puddles that get in your way. People will constantly ask your opinions on abortion because you have a vagina. When the Titanic sank, your grandmother had to go down with the ship, so you don’t exist. If you did exist, you would have to sign up for the selective service just like men did when they turn 18 because you are no longer considered to be a desired and treasured sexual object, but now considered to be an object that can be torn to bits for arbitrary reasons decided by men and women, who are prone to fits of rage while on their period. Because there would be more women then men, the house and senate have a majority of women, and when women work together frequently, their periods become harmonized. Bills pass through congress involving war, and because women are on their Period-Rage it passes and you are blown to bits by a bomb.
I need you ladies to vote on this, so I can know if I’m allowed to oogle or if I should turn gay.