Serendipity is Santa Clause for Adult Women

"Hey Bobby-Joe-Ann, wanna go down THAT road, HUH-YUCK!"

Dear Jerk,

When am I going to meet the man of my dreams? Do I need to do these online dating sites, speed dating or blind dates? Or am I going to just random meet this guy like in the romantic comedies?

-J

Dear J,

Romantic comedies are made to entertain women and give them false hope on how the world really goes on around them. If men reacted the same way to action movies they would think that guns don’t actually kill good people and that stupid catch phrases make women faun over you.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this ladies, but there is no such thing as destiny, serendipity, love at first sight or that magic shit that comes out of cupid’s asshole, you guys call love. It’s all made up like Santa Clause, the Tooth Fair, The Easter Bunny, and Betty White. Your mom tells you shit like that so you won’t cry too much when your boyfriend breaks up with you for a girl that is in better shape than you.

Love, and I’ve said this several times in my blog, is just a chemical addiction to a dopamine release caused by proximity to someone you are sexual attracted to for one reason or another.

As for serendipity and destiny… come on… really? Serendipity is interestingly similar to rainbows and dreams, only children and the mentally believe they are real.

The ultimate goal of the ‘Church of Romance,’ is to fall in love, be married, and be happily ever after, but we all know that shit doesn’t happen. There are too many anomalies in life to take into consideration. Life and so called love boils down to a series of mathematical chances. If you want to be happy, you have to understand the math.

SPOILER ALTER: IF YOU ARE AN IDIOT STOP READING NOW AND GO BACK TO OCCUPYING SOMETHING — MATH IS AHEAD.

Let’s assume that you are an open minded non-racist heterosexual in-shape college educated woman living in New York City, New York, United States of America.

There are 6.8 billion people on the Earth, 49% of those people are men — that comes down to 3.3 billion men. If you ladies wanted the percent of men to be higher, you should probably do away with the old, ‘hitting women is bad, and women and children first.’

Blue = Men

Now, we all know that women don’t want to be in a relationship with a man who is poor, so according to Globalissues.org they say that 80% of the world lives on less than $10 a day. Now, I’m not sure if they take into consideration college student’s, but lets take them out of the equation just in case. 20% of 3.3 billion is 660 million.

Up to 26% of the world speaks English, and since I just told you that love, and destiny aren’t real, I’ll give you a leg up on the statistics ladies, because I’m sure you’re still in one of the stages of grief… denial.  26% of the people in the world that aren’t poor that speak English comes to 171 million. Because let’s face it, I’m sure you want to understand what they are saying, because I know how much women love to complain talk.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) put about 20% of people with some sort of mental disorder.  That narrows it down to 137 million men.

Ok, so far, we established that there are 137 million men in the world that aren’t poor, speak English, are alive, and aren’t crazy. Already, without adding ANY sort of personality or physical characteristics we are at only 2% of the world’s population… shall we continue?

Now, since you are college educated, you want a man that is college educated as well right? According to the Huffington Post, only 6.7% of the world as a college degree. THAT takes you down to 8.2 million men in the world.

Now, according to the World Health Organization, 14% of the world’s population is overweight. Now we are down to 1.2 million eligible bachelors in the world.

Ok, now, the world’s population that is alive, not poor, speaks English, isn’t crazy, has a college degree, and isn’t fat is down to .01% of the world or 1.2 million men.

.01%, a percent so small excel can't graph it...

With 29% of the Earth NOT being underwater, and 13% of that is actually livable, that leaves 7.5 million acres of livable land. So, to add in our facts, if you cover the entire earth with the number of eligible bachelors in the world there are, statistically speaking, 6.2 alive non-poor English speaking sane college educated fit men per mile all over the world.

So? How on Earth do I get one of those 6.2 men in my square mile around my house do you ask? Simple, go to the gym and don’t act like a bitch.

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7 responses to “Serendipity is Santa Clause for Adult Women

  1. I knew there was some reason I was sitting here, staring at my computer screen at midnight. Brilliant presentation (I’m a sucker for pie charts.) Are you listening, Oh Great Benevolent Gods Of Freshly Pressed?

  2. Umm, I think you failed to add into your calculations men who aren’t married. Because chances are, if you’re looking for Prince Charming, you want him to be available.

      • Ugh, been down that road (not married, but not single). It’s never worth it. Even if he’s the love of your life, it’s never worth the reevaluation you do when you look in the mirror and realize that you’re THAT girl.

  3. I truly enjoy your hilarious take on life and love. I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award. The details are located on my page. Please never stop doing what you’re doing and congrats!!

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