Men Tell Big Lies, But Women Tell More

"I think naming this blog post, "Big Fat Liars, would probably cause a fem-riot."

Dear Jerk,

Why is it that men get such a bad wrap about being liars. I mean there are some dirt bags out there that lie about being in love and how much money they make, but not all of us do that. Is there anyway to change this?

-R

 

Dear R,

Let me tell you a little story. I met this really cute girl at the bar the other day. I walked up to her to begin making a fool of myself, but before I could even open my mouth she looks at me and she says, “Nope, you’re a man. All you’re going to do is lie to me about your job, your car, or your apartment just to get into my pants. Go find some other girl to lie to.”

This was my reply, and I can address this to the rest of the women reading this, because this is a common belief among the ‘sit-downs.’

Lets first look at the actual definition of ‘to lie.’

To lie — the act of knowingly providing false information as if it were true.

Now, lets look at her actual statement. By her saying that I’m a man, and therefore going to lie to her, this insinuates  that women don’t lie in order to have sex or gain favor with romantic partners in anyway shape or form.

Does anyone know what was created 5000 years ago by the ancient Egyptians before there were jobs, cars, or apartments to lie about? Make-up.

The bust of Nefertiti had both even toned skin color, and eye liner.

That’s right Make-up, the ancient Egyptians would take talcum powder, ground-up cat bones, and horse shit and cake it all over their butt ugly Egyptian faces for what purpose? Oh my… to impress wealthy men so they don’t have to work for the rest of their lives.

I know what you’re thinking… make-up is supposed to enhance your natural beauty right? Wrong… every guy that has had a girlfriend knows that that’s bullshit. Every morning we wake up next to the fucking Emperor from Star Wars.

So, if I were to walk up to any girl in the United States wearing make-up and asked her if that is her real face, she would say… yes.

To Lie — Knowingly presenting false information as if it were true.

Does anyone know what the best selling bra in the world is? It’s the Push-Up bra. That’s the bra that fakes men to think your boobs are actually bigger than they really are.

Do you ladies know what it’s like to take a girl home and find out she’s wearing a push-up bra? It’s like losing at one of those ‘What’s behind door number 3’ game shows and winning a long haired boy with a vagina, instead of the stacked girl you met at the bar. You also win several sleepless nights questioning your sexuality.

Once again, if I were to ask a girl wearing a push-up bra, if her boobs were real, she would say… yes.

Such a beautiful lie, if I were a lesser man, I wouldn't have overlooked it.

To Lie — Knowingly presenting false information as if it were true.

Ladies, you die your hair because it’s turning grey and nasty, you put on make-up because you’re ugly, you wear a push-up bra because you have tiny tits, you wear Spanks because you have a muffin top and you wear high heels because you’re midgets.

AND YOU GUYS WEAR THIS SHIT ALL DAY! At least we only lie at the bar during the weekends… you guys lie 24/7, 365 days a year.

So, now that we’ve established that both men AND women lie… the problem I have, is that women yell at us for being lied to and having sex, but they are having sex with the same person they met at the bar, WE are having sex with an ugly grey hair tiny titied midget with a muffin top.

As soon as you ladies stop wearing make-up and such, we’ll stop lying about the fact that we ride our bikes to work, and by work we mean jack-off and play Call of Duty at our Mee-Maw’s house.

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9 responses to “Men Tell Big Lies, But Women Tell More

  1. Oh man, this post had me crying with laughter!! Who told you all of our secrets? Lol
    Great post….I need to touch up my mascara.

    • I always wondered why I had to go back to HER place. My apartment is clean, then I put the pieces together, she was taking off all that shit she puts on, and the puts on sexy underwear to distract me!

  2. Are you telling me guys still can’t figure out when a girl is wearing a push-up bra? Because I kind of assumed that would be top priority. Here’s a hint: if her tits are up under her chin but they don’t bounce when she moves…they’re not real. You’re welcome.

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