Marriage as a Ponzi Scheme, I’m on to You

"No! You already have 4,543,809 pairs of space shoes."

Dear Jerk,

I’m planning on proposing marriage to my girlfriend of two years, but I need to buy an engagement ring. Why the hell are diamonds so expensive, even in this economy. Would she be mad if I bought her another stone instead?




Oh man, you found the one thing that drives me bat-shit crazy: Women wanting something that is incredibly and unjustifiably expensive that has no purpose other than to loosely symbolize your relationship. She convinces you to go against your non-monogamous caveman instincts and YOU have to buy her TWO rings!? What dumb ass came up with this idea and why the shit do we still follow this?

In ancient and medieval times, men were fine with this because women didn’t have rights and were essential slaves, but now that women get half our shit when we get a divorce, this seems like a Ponzi scheme to me.

Lets look at the cost/benefit analysis of dating, marriage and divorce, because we all know that’s where your headed and see if it’s worth it to be a diamond ring or not?

Let’s assume you are a man, who is a perfect gentleman. You hold doors for your girl, you pay for her meals, you pick her up and you take her back and give her a smooch goodnight.

So, lets assume also, that this girl lives 25 miles away from you, and gas prices are 3.30 per gallon (national average now). You drive a Toyota Camry, which gets 25 MPG in the city. You take her out to dinner, and then a movie, and then drinks afterward.

$3.30 to get to her house, another $3.30 to get to the restaurant.

$35.00 for dinner (including tip).

$00.50 to drive to theatre

$27 dollars for a movie and a popcorn.

$00.50 to drive to the bar.

$15 dollars for drinks.

$3.30 to drive her back to her house and $3.30 to drive back to your place.

That totals to $91.20. Let’s assume you had great chemistry and you got a kiss at the end of the night.

$91.20 = kiss

I bet you if you asked a girl to give you a kiss for 50 bucks you would not only save time, but money.

Lets now assume your relationship is going swimmingly you guys have everything in common, but not too much, she loves your mother, and you hers, she doesn’t complain when you fart, and she lies that the sex is best she’s ever had.

After 6 months your brain begins to become used to (the partner induced dopamine release) aka being in love and you get used to each other, but you’re still very much in love.

Now let’s say that you wait to ask her to marry you for 2 years because you’re in school and you want to get your degree first and you go out at least once a week.

With 52 weeks in a year, times two years at $91 a pop that’s $9,464, if you’re really a nice guy add another $300 dollars for Valentines Day times two.

The average price for an engagement ring is $3,500 to $4000 dollars. Now, you are up to$13,000.

The average price for a honeymoon is $3,500 to $5,000. You are now up to $18,000!

Let’s assume you’re a REALLY nice guy, and you two have waited until you are married to have sex.

By now, you have receive around 300-400 kisses (depending on if she’s got a canker sore or if she’s on her period) and one sexy time session.

Kisses are valued at $45 dollars a pop now, and sex is valued at $18,000!

For $18,000, you can go to Las Vegas, get a room in a 5 star hotel, have sex with 5 high end prostitutes, and snort cocaine off of a Babe Ruth rookie card…

Let’s assume at this point, you’re like every other married couple in the world, and you are together for 5 years and you divorce because she was born with a vagina and you were born with a penis and you STILL don’t understand each other.

Because you waited to marry her after you got your masters degree, and she is teaching, you make more money than she does… Half your shit, gone, 20% of your income GONE for one year.

Let’s assume again… that you make $50,000 a year. Now, you have to pay $10,000 in alimony.

$28,000 + half your shit is the grand total and what do you have to show for your investment? Companionship for 7 years and sex?

That pans out to be $11 a day you pay a woman to have sex with you and sometimes be nice, when her hormones permit her to and nothing of value to show for it…

Women wonder why there aren’t nice guys anymore?

This is why women tend to be objectified, they cost an incredible amount of money for them to stay interested in you, and men want a return on their investment… but what they get in the end after spend 28,000 dollars is no sort of wealth to liquidate.

If we want the genders to be equal? Stop expecting men to pay for a diamond ring and thousands of dates just because it’s convenient for you.

11 responses to “Marriage as a Ponzi Scheme, I’m on to You

  1. Two years together and you’re paying nearly $100 for every date??
    The park is free.
    Hanging out at home and “watching” some movies is free.
    At a certain point she should be paying at least for herself or you guys take turns paying.

    The reason for a diamond ring is because she’s suppose to wear this for the rest of her life as basically a giant penis extension for you. Sort of a “Hey look guys, I have the greatest man in the world he’s perfect, my ring is shinier than yours therefore my husband is better in bed”

    Diamond goes with everything she may possible wear for the rest of her life.

    I know people who have pearl engagement rings, or their birthstone. It doesn’t have to be diamond.

    If you have to spend loads to keep a woman interested, you might need to re-assess yourself.

    Get a pre-nup.

    Not every country has engagement rings.

    You forgot to calculate the actual wedding costs.

    Broaden your search criteria for women, you never know you might meet someone who you wouldn’t usually go for and *Shock! Horror!* she might not be interested in your money at all… there are actually women out there like that. I promise.

    • So, let me get this straight. If you met a guy that was gorgeous, had an incredible body and was incredible in bed, but never paid for a date, and when you got married you had to buy HIM a $3,000 tool set so he could use to fix shit around the house, would you still be with him? Men put up with that all the time, and it’s fine… except a tool set helps everyone… diamond ring helps her accessorize.

      Giant penis extension!? Since when does shelling out thousands of dollars have anything to do with sexual performance and penis size. If you need to buy a girl a diamond ring to make her THINK you’re dick is bigger or you’re better in bed, something is wrong.

      Yes, there are women who will overlook men that don’t have a lot of wealth, but she will NOT overlook someone who won’t pay for the first several dates — unless it’s a cougar on the prowl.

      • I have a man like that. We never really went on dates, we went to the pub and took turns buying drinks, took turns who paid for the cinema or just hung out on the beach. We have no plans to get married EVER and the only jewllery he’s bought me cause 40euro, Its my christmas present. His present from me costs 80euro. Been together 4 years, and have a child and are extremly happy. He’s also seven years my senior. So i’m not a cougar.

      • Nah, you get women like that EVERYWHERE. I know loads.

        By the way I meant the comment about the giant penis extension from a woman’a point of view, Some women love to parade their big rings as if because there fiancée got it for them it means that their man is more superior to yours. I think that if you need a rock on your finger to justify how great your partner is your with the wrong man.

  2. Stop revealing our evil plans! We have to somehow make up for the gender-based income gap and you’re screwing up our best way to do it! Although, guys, if you want to save money, make your girl watch the movie Blood Diamond, or read the book Diamond by Matthew Hart, thus convincing her that buying a diamond ring supports the horrible subjugation and deaths of thousands of people. Then buy her a great little version of Kate Middleton’s ring for 100 bucks and tell her it’s because she’s your princess.

  3. Diamonds now take the place of the cows, goats and pigs that, for thousands of years, men gave to the families of their brides as a “bride price.” Nowadays we have no place to keep all those animals, except the garage, and that is usually filled with the lawn mower and stuff we don’t know what else to do with. You could still try that, but I’m thinking you’d end up living in the garage. Alone.

    • Well, if we following that model. Those goats and pigs and cows were paying for the worth of the woman TO the parents, not to the ring finger. If you’re buying the worth of the woman from the parents, then once again… we are back to objectifying women.

      Isn’t treating women as an equal enough? Do you HAVE to have diamonds too? If it were a gift, that’s one thing, but to EXPECT it is another.

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