Where did Thanksgiving come from?
– Random Child on the Tram
Dear Random Child on the tram,
Shut up, wipe your nose, and ask your mom.
Dear The Rest of the World,
Thanksgiving is an incredible and magical tradition passed down from generation to generation by our educational system. The same system that brings you Santa Clause, Kooties, and Hope.
The school system would have you believe that Pilgrims showed up at Plymouth Rock, made houses, and became fast friends with the Native Americans there. Lets look at the facts here.
This Plymouth Rock party was supposed to have happened around 1621 during the Fall harvest. White men have been coming to the Americas for about 200 years, and we all know what happens when white men show up… they shoot you in the face, rape, murder and pillage, and take your really cool words and make them lame.
Shit, the first thing that Christopher Columbus, white man, did in 1492, when he reached the Caribbean, was lie to the natives. These sailors haven’t seen the inside of a rum bottle or a whore house in months, so what does any self respecting man do when he meets ignorant impressionable natives? Tells them they are Gods. Which works out nicely because the people think that by having sex they exchange their spirit, I mean who wouldn’t want to exchange spirits with a God?
So, for about 140 something years white men have been just bending over the Americas and exchanging spirits with it for as long as they can by the time the Pilgrims arrive.
Now, lets discuss these Pilgrims, these guys were dicks. They weren’t the cheerful and happy go lucky people the educational system wants you to believe. They were an especially conservative branch of the Protestant church, that considered fun to be a sin. No dancing, no drinking, no high fives, no Slinkies down stairs, and no partying. The only thing they were allowed to do was pray, and survive and the only thing they hated more than themselves were Indians. With numerous encounters with the native population they believed that they were the very hand of Satan himself.
So, we are to believe that these people, who don’t party, had a party with the very people who were considered to be the hand of Satan…
Many scholars point to the fact that it is much more likely that the first Thanksgiving was done by the Virginians… in Virginia, but their Thanksgiving was different than what we are taught in school. These same scholars also point to the fact that this colony was entirely secular and had no religious restraints upon them and so all they did for Thanksgiving was drink, eat, and fornicate — a giant fatty food orgy. I’m not sure how well this would be taken in elementary school, but your creepy Uncle Tommy would be down for this.
So, this is the true story of Thanksgiving.
A long time ago in a far away land, King Leonidas, his 300 Spartans, and the great heroes of the world were just celebrating their victory over Oscar the Grouch and the destruction of the Death Star. Interestingly enough the Death Star was entirely run by Oscar’s live turkey army so when the piece of the space station hit the atmosphere the turkeys were cook to a perfect golden brown and millions of succulent turkeys struck the Earth like a tasty meteor shower.
It was at this time, that King Leonidas found the first turkey and deemed it good to eat, but something was missing. King Leonidas shouted through his epic beard, “Look here!” and pointed to the chicken’s ass, “We cannot consume this without having something equally as tasty shoved up its ass!”
“I think I have what you seek,”a low and grand regal voice boomed from the back of the Spartans. It was King Arthur and he held on high stuffing cupped in his hands. “This was given onto me by the lady in the lake, she told me to give it to the one that is deemed worthy!”
“Great King Arthur,” Leonidas said, “There is no greater endeavor that to cram this delicious turkey’s cooked bowels with stuffing!”
Leonidas held the turkey open whilst Arthur brought forth the stuffing. As the stuffing graced the anus of the turkey a chorus began to sing, rainbows appeared for the first time in the sky, all evil in the world was vanquished in that moment — for a moment and all the world’s heroes assembled bringing forth the most delicious foods from their region.
The Ninja Turtles brought forth Green Bean Casserole.
Mikey Mouse brought forth Marconi and Cheese.
Superman brought forth Pumpkin Pie.
Gandhi brought forth his special homemade rolls.
Frodo Baggins brought forth Cranberry Sauce.
And Ronald Reagan brought forth Gravy.
And so, the heroes of the Earth celebrated their victory over evil and gave thanks for Leonidas’s idea to stuff stuffing into a bird’s ass.