Hold Your Own Damn Purse…

LOOK, HE'S GOT A PURSE, TAKE HIS PICTURE NOW!

Dear Jerk,

Why is it that my husband gets so irritated every time I ask him to hold my purse? Is it that big of a deal for him to hold his wife’s purse for five minutes?

-T

 

Dear T,

YES! It is a big freaking deal. The PURSE is the physical manifestation of femininity and everyday you shove your purse into your boyfriend or husband’s arms and say those three dreaded words, “Hold My Purse,” you make a man choose between his masculinity and possible sexy time — the two most powerful forces in a man’s life.

Let it hang or tuck it, THAT is the question.

Lets look at the choices a man has when dealing with those three words and the consequences and repercussions of his actions.

Image you’re a man and you have been shopping with your girlfriend for five hours already on a Saturday. You followed her closely through the shoe store, the dress shop, and hat store. You held your breath as she passed the jewelry store and sighed as she walked by it into the antique store. Your team is playing right now against your rivals and she promised you you’d be home in time to watch the game.

“OH MY GOD!” she screams. Your arms and jaw tighten and you race to protect her from whatever danger she has encountered.

“50% off the [bullshit I won’t even buy],” she gasps, “Honey, hold my purse [that contains make-up that I’m not even wearing, tampons when I don’t need them, coupons for stores I’m not at, and my wallet I could have carried in my jacket this whole time].”

FIGHT!!

1. The Spike

You’ve had it. You look down at the purse in your hands and your temples throb with rage. Five hours in a mall is way too much time to spend buying nothing.

“No,” you whisper.

“What did you say?” She says as she looks over her shoulder and her shopping smile disappears.

“I said,” you say as your arms flex and you forcefully bounce her purse off the linoleum tile, “NO!”

“Richard! What the hell is wrong with you!” She shrieks, “That was a 300 dollar [overly expensive purse brand]!”

She crumples onto the floor and picks up the purse from the ground as if it were a child that had just been hit by a car. She picks up the broken pieces of her purse and tries to put it back together.

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE RICHARD!” She screams, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?”

“I didn’t want to… hold… your purse,” you pause and realize the whole mall is watching you with ‘What an asshole’ eyes, “I wanted to watch football.”

“Richard,” she chokes down a sob, “I see that football is more important than us. I don’t want to see you again.”

As she collects herself and walks away the purse sprouts eyes and a toothy grin. It winks just before she walks out of your life forever.

 

2. The Hold

 

“Of course I’ll hold your purse for you pumpkin,” you smile with genuine enthusiasm, “Since you are so incredibly gorgeous, witty, and driven and you are my girlfriend I am completely secure in my sexuality.”

Your girlfriend turns around and begins obsessing over the discounted clothes without acknowledging your presents. You hold the purse low by end of the long handles as to make sure no other man sees you holding the physical manifestation of femininity.

"HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW PURSE PROTOCOL BY NOW JEEZ!?

“Richard,” your girlfriend shoots you a disappointed look, “That’s a 300 dollar [insert overly expensive purse brand], please don’t let it touch the floor.”

You tighten your jaw and hold it by the smaller handles so it lands at your hip — far from the ground.

“Honestly Richard,” She shoots you another disappointed look and shakes her head with genuine anger, “Those handles aren’t for holding! They are for show, hold it like this please.”

She pushes the purse up on to your shoulder and then goes back to wasting your time.

Just as you let out a frustrated sigh, your high school basketball coach, the bully who used to call you ‘gay’, your dad, your friends, Chuck Norris, Sean Connery, the President, King Aurthur, King Kong,  your penis and your girlfriend all point at you and laugh from a manly and safe distances from the 50% off bullshit store.

“Yea, that’s right,” The purse says in a gruff New York accent, “You better hold me tight — bitch.”

 

 

3. The Dodge

 

“Can you hold my-”

“Iamgoingtothefoodcourt,” you interrupt her and quickly leave the store before she can finish her sentence.

Watching from afar, you see her wandering the isles of the store with her purse on her own damn shoulder — not interfering with her shopping experience. The purse glares at you. You flick him off from behind your potted plant.

 

Just like women have an insatiable need to feel loved, men have the insatiable need to feel respected and manly. Men are constantly sizing each other up and a purse on his shoulder takes him away from his alpha male status. Just like you wouldn’t wear a paper bag if he asked you to to a wedding, don’t ask him to hold your purse — hold it your damn self.

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11 responses to “Hold Your Own Damn Purse…

  1. IF YOU’VE NEVER SAID “MAN, WHERE ARE MY PANTS”, MAYBE YOUR REFUSAL TO PURSE-HOLD IS INTERFERING WITH YOUR “PANTS OFF” NOW! ACTION. NOT GETTING YOUR PANTS OFF AND OCCASSIONALLY LOSING THEM UNDER THE BED OR COVERS OR BEHIND THE KITCHEN TABLE IS A SURE SIGN THAT YOUR “HOLD YOUR OWN DAMN PURSE” POLICY IS TURNING YOU INTO A SEXLESS DWEEB. a VERITABLE UNICH, BALLS CHOPPED OFF BY YOUR OWN PURSELESS HANDS 😉

    GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, SKELETON FINGERS. (AND WISH ME LUCK FINDING THE “CAPS OFF” BUTTON HERE…)

    • Well, I’m not sure how much experience you have with being a man, but it’s always a good idea to know where your pants are at all times. You never know when a crazy ex-boyfriend will show up with a shotgun and you need to make a swift non-naked exit.

      • Ah. The swift exit card…you HAD to pull it, didn’t you? Ok. Truth be told – I’ve never been a man. SHit. Never. Just me. a plain, old-fashioned girl. And, I kinda, sorta, always tried to keep in mind, where the guys pants are, which side of the bed/sofa/table. Never because my “other” was about to come home…simply because it was courteous to hand a man his pants and say either one of two things…”call me” or, the dreaded “my phone just got disconnected. AND I’m moving tommorrow. Good bye”.

      • I gotta jump in here. Okay, first of all Skeletonfingers is absolutely correct on men keeping their shit handy just in case… My ex-fiance would always, ALWAYS, put his tidy whities back on after…ya know…because he said if anyone tried to break in he didn’t want to be chasing them with a gun and his junk flapping in the wind. Sweat pants were usually wadded on the floor near the bed. Spectra, too, is also correct though. Especially if it’s your first time with someone, they absolutely sucked in bed, and the last thing you wanna do after is waste more of your time cuddling with them. You know you’re not going to see them again, so rather than drag it out, just get it over with; be unkind and get him the hell out the door so you can watch Letterman already.

  2. I think helping women to an extent is okay. If you are holding for a moment, I see no problem with that. But if they want you to straight up carry it?!? That’s asking too much. Maybe if they didn’t have so much stuff in it, it wouldn’t be so heavy and become uncomfortable. I like how you listed the many useless things you can typically find in a purse which is very true. I believe in only having the essentials, and sure women have their periods and what-have-you. I only see it being a problem if they are indeed on it that day. Only bring what you need, that’s what guys do. That’s why all we need is a wallet.

  3. I hate my boyfriend holding my purse. Infact i hate seeing any man holding a purse. I also hate when shop assistants give my boyfriend the shopping bags to carry. I’m of the opinion that If i can’t carry them all, then i shouldn’t of bought them! And the only shopping i do with my boyfriend is food and christmas shopping. He goes to all the stores he needs to go to to get stuff for his side, while i go to the shops i need to go to for my side.

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