Marriage: A Turd Sandwhich, With Sex as the Bread.

Dear Jerk,

I’m planning on asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I need to buy a ring. Diamond rings are so expensive, why does it have to be a diamond ring? Will she mind if it isn’t a diamond? Why am I getting married again?



Dear J,

If there was a word that expressed sympathy, but didn’t make me look too much like an asshole, I would insert that word at the beginning of this reply, but here is an attempt: Congratulashits. No? Oh well. This whole wedding thing drives me bat-shit crazy anyway, let me explain.


Have you ever heard  a  heterosexual male say this phrase, “Man, I wish I was married.” No. Why? Because men aren’t monogamous by nature. We are visual sexual beings. Yes, there are men that adapt to married life very easy, but they are the exception to the rule and should be studied, cloned and sold at a boyfriend store so I don’t have to hear about how desperate and lonely some people are.

Men have one thing on their minds at all times, unless they had their balls clipped off in an unfortunate lawn care accident, sex. Everything we do in our lives is in pursuit of sex, if we realize it or not. Go to work? No job makes it harder to get laid. Brush my teeth? Increases chances of laid. and so on…


So,  we get married for the same reason — sex. We get a lock-down sexy-time partner for life in exchange for a months salary for a ring, half our shit for the rest of our lives, and no more walking around the house in your underwear all day.

Ok, lets just say that is the deal. Sex for all that. Deal. Honeymoon time… also have to pay for.

Louann Brizendine, M.D. the neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco that I mentioned in my post about women being criminally ill breaks down women’s emotional states all throughout their lives in her book The Female Brain. I’m going to give you an abridged version broken down by sexual desires for each age group for a married man.

Teenage: Sex Crazed

Early Twenties: Sex Crazed

Mid to Late Twenties: Although she still has strong sexual desires, the stress from work and adult life does not allow her to have the sex drive her mate desires. This also affects her ability to achieve a climax.

Pregnancy: Very little sexual drive, with sporadic moments of sexual desire.

Child Rearing: The desires of the children take priority over the desires of the husband, and the sex drive takes a huge hit. The combination of stress from the children, work, and adult life create little room for a woman to relax and enjoy sex.

Menopause: Very little sexual drive

Post-menopause: Sex drive again…

Anyone surprised why divorce rates are so high among the late twenties and pregnancy phases of marriage? I’m not.

“Hi, I’d like to by a car.”

“Yes, right this way, here is a brand new Ford Mustang, sleek, sexy, and always starts up when you turn the key.”

“I’ll take it!”

*Five Years Later*

“Hey, the car you sold me five years ago keeps giving me problems and I have to keep paying for repairs, and sometimes it just doesn’t start at all.”

“Oh I’m sorry, would you like a new car?”

“Yes, Please.”

“Sign here.”

“It says here that I forfeit half my stuff, and I have to continue to repair the car after I stop driving it? That’s bullshit.”

“Well, I assume you read the contract when you bought the first car right? You know you can still sit in the car, and look at it right?”

“I need a God Damn car to get to work!”

“We also have rentals, but don’t drive the rental cars home, your actual car will get jealous.”

Marriage: Sex when you start, no sex in the middle, sex when your dick won’t work — then you die. Turd sandwhich.


6 responses to “Marriage: A Turd Sandwhich, With Sex as the Bread.

  1. Luckily, the sex drive thing is the rule, and there are exceptions to the rule. Luckily again, there are women who tried the whole frickin marriage thing and thinks it sucks and ruins relationships.

  2. This is hilarious and just goes to show how much work is required to pull off a happy and successful marriage.

    • I agree, people think getting married is something that just comes next. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes divorce. People don’t get it, taking two independent people and making them one is near impossible.

  3. This is what I’ve been saying all along, that my life is shit sandwiche’s served at every meal, and to be honest I don’t like ‘shit’ that much. Was no one but you listening?
    And ‘a-hem’, about the ring thing. Unless I’m wrong, I believe that would be three months salary, not one. I know..I know.. Crazy, and I must not know how to pick em.
    Legal marriage is a lie created on paper to comfort family, the church, our insecurities, and fatten the wallets of lawyers (among others). I know, I’ve fallen prey to it more than once. To be honest, marriage starts in your heart with a commitment, and I don’t believe it’s really necessary to go any further. Have no idea now why I did! SAVE YOURSELF! NEVER, EVER, GET MARRIED!

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