Top Ten Man Movies, like them or change genders.

"I got you a ticket honey."

Dear Jerk,

My roommate was raised pretty much by his mom and never got to see some of the great action movies. His favorite movie is Old School… a COMEDY.  Could you give me a list of the greatest man movies to start him on the right path?

D.

Well, D.

I never understood how a comedy could possibly be someone’s favorite movie. I understand that you watch it a second and third time and get new funny things, but that’s like me eating a Hickory Smoked Bacon Burger and enjoying it immensely and then throwing it up and eating the little pieces of bacon I didn’t digest completely.

-Jerk

Before I get to the list, let me define what exactly a man movie is. A man movie is an allegory for a man’s life and the hard choices he has to make. Allegory communicates its message by means of symbolic figures, actions or symbolic representation. So, pretty much a basic story that represents a larger story. Avatar is an allegory for environmental issues, The Matrix is about awareness vs ignorance, and Fight Club is about battling inner demons. Man Movies fall into four categories aka Managories (for the feminists out there, substitute the letters M-A-N for F-E-M, or woman, that is all):

  1. Few Vs. Many (Femy doesn’t work here feminists)
  2. David Vs. Goliath
  3. Doing what is right
  4. Protecting the weak

#10 300

I couldn’t do a Man Movie list without bringing in this ab filled movie, even the seven year old has better abs than I do. They freaking throw deformed children in a pit! I honestly think buying Nickleback CD’s should buy you a one way ticket to a “THIS IS SPARTA!” kick into said well. In this movie, 300 of the greatest of the greatest stood toe to toe with a million men and took a Spartan poop on their plans (Spartan poop explodes if you step on it).

#9 The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

The music alone in this trailer makes me want to take up sailing, chopping wood, or raising riding Velociraptors. This is the movie where John Wayne gets his famous line, “Well, hello there Pilgrim. It maybe in black and white, but when this movie was released in 1962 it came out in color in theaters, but the first audience to see it was so effect by it’s manliness they all the women left with bushels of chest hair and uni-brows, while the men beat each other to death with their chairs to become the alpha male of the theater.

#8 Death Wish

Oh baby, Death Wish. Charles Bronson is Chuck Norris’ right hand man, and both of them have killed more men and ruined more marriages than alcoholism. In this movie, Charles Bronson goes around killing bad guys for no other reason than they are BAD GUYS. Try to rob me? SHOOT TO THE FACE. Try to rape some woman? SHOOT TO THE FACE. Try to rob the bank? SHOOT TO THE FACE. Forget to pay your taxes? SHOOT TO THE FACE.

#7 Blackhawk Down

I love this movie, not for the soldiering and shit, but for this scene right here. This guy just ran through hell and killed people like he had a cheat code. UP UP DOWN DOWN DEAD! Makes it back, and where most movies would end with him walking off to the sunset, he eats from oatmeal or grits or the brains of his enemies, AND GOES BACK IN!

#6 Tombstone

“I’m ya huckleberry.” Doc Holiday… the man who I want to grow up to be. This is the story of the OK Corral in Tombstone, and what happened afterward. This movie is the Western version of what would happen if Superman, King Arthur, Moses, and Chuck Norris were to hunt down the scum of the Earth.

#5 Seven Samurai

HOOOOOOoooo (say with a samurai voice), this movie is GREAT! A village is being held hostage by a gang of bandits and their crops are the randoms, if they don’t do something they won’t last the winter, so what do they do? They ask seven warriors from Japan to help them defend their village. The samurai don’t do it for money, fame or power, but for giggles and for a few notches in their belt.

#4 Rocky IV

This scene makes me want to become a boxer every time. The Russian in this movie has all the advantages of modern science and the funding of an entire nation behind him, and what does Rocky have? A FUCKING MOUNTAIN. Instead of using machines to do his work for him, he stomps all over the mountain kicking its ass and chopping the shit out it’s trees. If you can beat a mountain you can beat a man!

#3 Taken

THIS MOVIE. Man, Liam. Liam Nelson tracks his missing daughter all over France finds the guy who took her and kills and tortures anyone who had anything to do with it.

#2 Unforgiven

Couldn’t have a list of anything Manly without Clint ‘freaking’ Eastwood (that’s his real middle name). In Unforgiven, a prostitute gets beat up and cut up so she can’t work anymore and the women around her hire these old gun-slingers to kill the men that did it.

#1 Predator

That’s right, “Get to the choppa,” is the most manly movie of all time boys and girls. This movie is FILLED with manly stuff. Cigars, biceps, spitting, shooting, yelling, and infrared.   This movie is number one not because it has Arnold in it, not because Arnold doesn’t give a shit, not because this has a plethora of incredible quotes, not because this movie has more shootings per second than Detroit, but because Arnold loses all of his weapons and ammo, and decides to fight a larger, stronger, faster and more technologically advanced alien with his bare fucking hands and wins. There is a scene where Arnold covers himself in mud, sets up a bunch of traps, lights a torch, stands on the top of a tree and lets out a roar like he is challenging the gods.

 

So, for a summary, men if you want to become real men watch these movies. Ladies, if your man hasn’t seen these movies, dump him — he’s a wiener.

 

Advertisements

2 responses to “Top Ten Man Movies, like them or change genders.

  1. “I honestly think buying Nickleback CD’s should buy you a one way ticket to a “THIS IS SPARTA!” kick into said well.” ….Greatest thing I’ve read yet. Good job.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s