Talking to Hot Chicks…or Ugly ones

They are laughing at how small your penis is, they know.

Dear Jerk,

I am deathly afraid of asking girls out on dates. I have no problem talking to them and I know some of them are interested, but when it comes time to close the deal I shrimp out. I find excuses why it’s not a good idea or I just take myself out of this situation. Why am I so afraid, and how do I get over it?

-R

R,

Quit being a milk-soaked testicle and just ask her out. Unless you’re going to cry if she shoots you down, if that is the case you should probably just check your man card at the door of your nearest bar or pub and take up knitting.

-Jerk

Imagine this: A beautiful girl flirtingly crosses her legs, smiles and then takes a long sip from her long island ice tea through her freshly applied red lipstick. She turns to her friend and laughs a bit harder than she should have at whatever stupid joke her friend just told and looks at you just as she regains control. This hot chick is totally into you, for some crazy ass reason.  Your heart begins to pump adrenaline through your veins. Your hands begin to sweat and shake. Your breath quickens. You are experiencing what seems to be a fight or flight stress reaction. What you aren’t noticing is that your pupils are dilated and your arm hair is standing on end also.What you may not think about, is that these are the exact same physiological changes that go through your body when you are sexually aroused as well, aside from the obvious, please situate your self at this time sir. Regardless of what you think your body is going through, your body is going into mother-fucking combat mode. Your brain is kicked into overdrive.

ALL HANDS ON DECK! ALL HANDS ON DECK! Your muscles tighten, and you can see so much better — all weapons primed. At this point the first mate of the ship (the unconscious part of your brain — the Medulla Oblongata) turns to the captain (the conscious part of your brain — YOU) and says, “The men are ready. What’re your orders sir?”  You stroke your grey beard after putting down your binoculars and say with a Sean Connery accent, “Engage,ready the pick up lines.”

“But Captain, we haven’t used those pick up lines since 2003!” the first mate pleads.

“DO AS I SAY!” Your wild eyes penetrate your Medulla Oblongata, “I WILL NOT INSUBORDINATION ON MY SHIP!”

“Aye Aye Captain, full speed ahead,” Medualla Oblongata concedes.

“Fortune favors the bold Medulla Oblongata,” your sharp Connery accent returns as you purse your lips.

"Attention on deck, we are going in, weapons room, prepare your lies."

You confidently walk to the bar where the young woman pretends not to notice you.

“Captain! Make sure not to approach her from the rear, her defenses will auto-fire!” Medulla shouts.

“This isn’t my first rodeo son,” you confidently say.

“Greetings,” you forget for a moment that you don’t actually talk like Sean Connery, “I mean, hey.”

“Oh, hey,” she flirtingly smiles and sips on her drink and looks at you with large brown eyes.

“Can you believe how many hot guy there are here!?” You imitate a gay man.

“Captain, what are you doing!?”

“Quiet you,” your Sean Connery returns to reprimand your brain.

The girl slouches and sighs, “Why is it that all the hot guys I try to talk to are gay…”

You let out a loud boisterous Connery-eske laugh.

“Actually, I’m not gay,” you pause and turn on the honey in your voice and whisper in her ear, “I just wanted to see you squirm.”

Her eyes dilate and her chest heaves with a deep breath.

*Insert 20 minutes of clever dialogue, smiles, and inconspicuous touching*

“Fire the torpedoes now!” you yell to the ship.

“Captain! We have one torpedo, they may not reach at this distance.”

“God Damnit! FIRE!”

“You don’t think your girlfriends would mind if you went home with a gay guy do you?” You smirk and wait for her answer.

She shyly smiles and shakes her head.

“Then lets get out of here.”

The crew of the ship stands to their feet and claps as a tear is brought to the Medulla’s eye.

Advertisements

9 responses to “Talking to Hot Chicks…or Ugly ones

  1. I have clearly watched too many Connery movies. ::reading along in Scottish accent:: But somehow, I doubt this would work on me in person. At least not without the background commentary.

  2. Okay, I can honestly say your pick up lines were a completely fresh approach for me, because I’ve never had a guy try to pick me up with “Can you believe how many hot guys there are here?” Ha..ha.. That’s a first. Of course the bars I frequent are biker bars, and I doubt anyone would have the courage to say that and risk being overheard. Honestly, it would probably work on me though because I just love my gay brothers, but I’d end up being a buddy and nothing more.
    And Sean Connery. He’s probably the only old dude I’d do…and I’m old. He freaking reeks of sex!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s