Damn Disney Princess Lessons

WHAT DO YOU MEAN!? YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND?

Dear Jerk,

I’m a single girl, working in the city. I’ve done the bar thing, the online thing, and the Living Social thing, with no luck. When is my Prince Charming going to show up and sweep me off my feet?

Sincerley,

M.

Well, M.,

I’m sorry to say that the real world doesn’t work like a Disney fairy tale.

Shit, even fairy tales don’t work like Disney fairy tales. In the original Cinderella the evil step sister cuts off her heel to fit into the glass slipper and then rides away with the prince. The prince only notices when the glass slipper fills up with evil step sister blood and she almost passes out. He simply turns around and takes her right back so that the other evil step sister can do the same… with the same results.

This is the only face I can make after cleaning so much blood out of a glass slipper.

I know there certainly are some women out there that are willing to lop off their heels to be with a man that bases his reasoning for marrying an unknown woman on her shoe size… right?

Ladies, these Disney Princess are terrible role models for you guys. There are much better role models out there. Lets go down the list and tell you why a few are crappy.

Cinderella – her mother dies, sad, but true. Her father who is too much of a coward to stand up to his new wife, possibly because of her  giant FUPA, and say that his daughter is worth a shit too. So, what does Cinderella do? She stands up for herself, and tells her father that she doesn’t deserve to be treated this way She cries and cries and sings to animals then cries some more. Then! OH MY! a fairy god mother comes along!

When women cry, they are praying to the fairy godmother.

  • Lesson from Cinderella: If you cry enough some old lady with the forearms of Popeye and a magic wand will solve all your problems.

Sleeping Beauty: Sleeping beauty is about a girl that is put to sleep because she is too pretty and is rescued by a Necrophiliac.

  • Lesson from Sleeping Beauty: If you wait around long enough a creepy man will solve your problems for you, so you don’t have to.

Beauty and the Beast: Bell is kidnapped by a half horse half dog half lion half donkey.

THE BEAST APPROACHES!

Bell, tries to escape and is almost killed by the horrific beast. Then she eventually falls so far in love with the beast, that when the men from the town come to save her she begs them to spare him… for just enough time for the beast to kill them…

  • Lesson from Beauty and the Beast: If you’re lonely, just fall in love with the closest person that tried to kill you.

The Little Mermaid: Ariel is a mermaid, mermaids have fins instead of legs. Ariel not only has fins instead of legs, she has instant macaroni and cheese for brains. She falls in love with a man with legs and no gills. She can’t walk on land, and he can’t stay under water for more than 20 seconds. She sells her soul for legs — that need to be shaved — and lies about being a mermaid and having mac and cheese for brains.

  • Lesson from The Little Mermaid: Lie until it works.

Aladdin: Jasmine is a spoiled princess that gets everything she wants, namely because her father is a spineless jellyfish. She wants a man that is handsome, rich, charming, assertive, tall, funny, goal driven, a talented cook, honest, hardworking, adventurous, kind, gentle, a message therapist, a regular therapist, an astrophysicists, a race car driver, a dragon slayer, and a rainbow maker. It takes a thief, who’s only friend is a monkey, from the streets to find a genie and make himself… rich, which was good enough for her.

  • Lesson from Aladdin: Make men from all around the world come to you, turn them all away, because they don’t meet all your requirements, and then marry a liar.

Prince Charming: small dagger and wears pantyhose.

So, ladies, if you are looking for someone like Prince Charming to prance his way into your life and stand at your door and say, “TA-DAH!” Then keep listening to your Disney Princesses. Otherwise, meet more people and learn from your mistakes, and choose better next time.

-Jerk

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13 responses to “Damn Disney Princess Lessons

  1. You left one out and since it was the only Disney movie that I basically watched to death, I want to hear your opinion: Aladdin. I mean yea, dude’s a thief and lives in a hellhole, but I always kind of liked the idea of the “diamond in the rough” (direct quote). So, Jerk, please tell me how Aladdin has given me delusions of romance. Pretty please!

  2. I was getting all into it then found myself fucking cracking up at your Necrophiliac comment! Ha…Ha..Ha…Ha.. God, that was priceless. I don’t know whether to be disturbed or amused by the way your mind works. Sadly, you were pretty accurate on all the above, albeit it in a fabricated way. Prince Charming don’t exist. Fairy Tale endings aren’t realistic. At best, if you can keep the bastard home, off some other woman, he works, doesn’t hit you, and doesn’t have any ‘real’ problems that can destroy your family or put his ass in jail, he’s a friggen keeper. Tell her to lower her damn standards.

  3. Once I got over wretching at vomitting at the Sarah Jessica pic, I pretty much got down with the idea of rubbing a lamp and seeing some white substance ozze out of it and then out from that pops a guy…hey wait. Isn’t that just a cartoon version of how you get a baby? Rub something hard, produce a strange substance that turns into a person… Well, you see. That is a happy ending for most girls. All they used to be allowed to want out of life was a baby. Riches just sort of sweetens the deal.

  4. love this entry. it’s hilarious and so true. my prince charming married me and then three years later told me he was gay. so he found his prince charming in another prince charming. FUCKER. when is disney going to tell THAT story?
    cheers
    lynn

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