Five Reasons Why Women Should be Feared: Number Three.

#3: Women are taking over the world

They run this mother.

Aside from the fact that women possess a monopoly on the one thing that heterosexual women want — silence, they are getting smarter, more money, and more powerful by the minute. At this projected rate the world will be doused in pastels, reality shows, and feelings and men will be harvested for children to suit women’s biological clocks and enslaved to do icky work like take out the trash and assemble things from IKEA.

Good morning Mr. Anderson... You're helping me move to my studio flat.

If you want to see men getting more and more like cavemen watch the modern sitcom. The majority of sitcoms are populated Omega men who spend most of their time navigating the best way to fart without crapping their pants and a woman who rolls her eyes at them and raises the kids, pays the bills, and cures cancer.

"How man times do I have to tell you, no sex until you pick up your toys."

Not only are women taking over the things that rot our brains, but they are taking over the institutions that are made to enrich our brains. In 1970, women made up 41% of the undergraduate population, in 2009 women made up 56% of the population — and 100% of the population of Girls Gone Wild: College Edition according to the US Census (the college attendance portion is the US Census, the Girls Gone Wild is my own research, they denied the funding for that research). In 40 years female attendance has increased by 15%, so using my caveman brain, and my experience playing Math Blaster, by the year 2128 100% of people in colleges would be women,  and by 2199 — this.

"You silly, there's no fly on the front of the space suits anyway."

Oh, but you stroke your mustache, and say women make less money then men, how could they ever afford rocket cadet school in the year 2199 without the help of a man. Well, fake man with a dapper mustache, stick this statistic in your mahogany pipe and smoke it: In 1980 women made 60% of what men made as a nation average, now it is up to 77% of what men make. Using the same Math Blaster skills, by 2199 women will have 309% of all the money. If you want to go to the space bar and drink space beer with your space buddies from the space quarry, you’ll have to ask your wife three times as hard, because in the future, you pay your wife just to space work in the space quarry. With money being power, the women will not only have all the power, but three times as much power even if you had all the power and money given to you buy a genie — you would still be a third class citizen, but the gay men will be second class, because every girl needs a gay best friend.

6 responses to “Five Reasons Why Women Should be Feared: Number Three.

  1. Totally cute post! And true…but it is disconcerting that women are taking Soooo Looong standing up for themselves and raising the “pay grade”. It really is all about self-esteem. You need to ASK FOR IT, dammit. Demand it. Women are, for whatever reason, accustomed to “waiting” for things. Maybe because the ovum sits around for a few days ‘waiting’ for a spermy dude to show up and do its job. We may be programmed by our sex cells. I dunno. But still, progress. And things are looking better still!

  2. Haha, I never thought about looking at how docile the sex cells are and paralleling it. That’s freaking brilliant. You also have to consider that a business owner sees a pretty young woman, of marrying age and baby making age, and assumes that she will do both. Why train her and give her the position only to see her take a monstrous amount of maternity leave and take off work for her kids ect. That’s how the old dusty men see the 20-somethings. Until they give men maternity leave as well, things will never change.

    Thanks again for the comments.

    • A couple of notes. First, some companies are starting to offer paternity leave. I think they should. Having a new baby is some tough business on both parents. I watched my husband go through absolute hell because I was sick after childbirth, we had a newborn who woke up every two hours to feed, and he still had to get up and work a 9 hour day.

      Second, it’s not just men that see women that way. I actually got fired by a old dusty woman because I got pregnant. Ironically enough, a year later, my husband was actually hired as her superior but in a different department. Right before his depature, he got word that this woman’s entire department of young, pretty, single 20-somethings got knocked up at the same time. Hah! Karma got her!

  3. Listen, this is totally coming from a woman. I hate feminism. Feminism ruined our culture. No, I don’t like the repression of women. But, let’s face it. Jane Fonda, Judy Bloom, and Oprah Windfey ruined it for us all. Not only are they dominating women’s culture, but they are spilling over into the male culture. Give it a rest. Men have a right to their man things on this planet too.

    Now, after this whole women’s equality movement, women are not equal at all. We are expected to get a college education, marry, have babies, have a successful career as some high powered something or another, AND raise our own babies while keeping house – all in stillettos and 50 pounds of makeup. Ugh.

    Donna Reed did it right. She was the perfect wife and mother on screen. But in her personal life, she was working behind the scenes on that show, often uncredited. She didn’t rise up with and creating all of this man-hating, mushy BS culture. She was just herself, doing what she loved.

    Isn’t that what we’re all supposed to do? Enjoy our lives, screw the standards, and be happy doing what we’re doing?

  4. Well, technically, feminism means equality for both genders. So, I think pure feminism is a good thing, but I think you’re certainly right it has taken a bit of a bite out of man stuff and left men cry babies.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s