Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

Dear Jerk,

Why is it that all women automatically assume I’m a liar because I’m a man? I don’t always lie…

Sincerely,

All Men on Earth

Well, All Men on Earth,

First thing you have to do to understand why all women think all men lie is to understand the concept of basic evolutional psychology.

Evolutional psychology is the theory that everything we do, wear, and say is based out of our baser instinct — the need to copulate, do the horizontal tango, shag, take a roll in the sheets, knock boots, or have sex.  For example, why do the girls on Jersey Shore look orange, talk out of the sides of their faces, and complain all the time? Simple, because the guys on Jersey Shore are into Umpaloompas who could out complain more than Rosanne Bar. If there wasn’t a market for it, then no one would do it. No interest in Umpaloompas, then there will be no Umpaloompas.

So, when it comes to men and women, evolutionarily speaking, they look for specific things in their potential mates.

-Women look for someone who is attractive (good genes), someone who has a good job (can provide for their possible future offspring), and someone who has pull in his community (alpha male).

-Men look for someone who is attractive(good genes) and (mostly) sane — that’s it.

When a guy meets a girl at a bar, wedding, coffee shop, the frozen food aisle at the grocery store, or the porn section at your local movie store, as a woman, she is going to automatically scan him for hints as to how good his genes are, can he provide for potential offspring or if he has any influence in your community. White teeth, full head of hair, and a three day old beard all show her that you have good genes. A nice watch, an expensive pair of shoes, or a giant diamond encrusted gold clock hanging from your neck shows her you could be a good provider and so on. Here is where the problem lies, men tend to lie about their job, their car, their influence over other people, or their relationship status in order to create a higher league for themselves to attract a women that is more attractive and possibly mostly sane.

“Oh yes, I totally have a job”

“No way! Who lives with their mother?”

“Yea, that’s my BMW right there, no we can’t sit in it — the wax job needs to see for a while, can we take your car?”

“Oh, those kids and woman there waiting for me to get in the mini van aren’t my wife and kids.”

So, technically, men do lie about the things that would increase his evolutional psychology league, but only verbal lies.

Here’s the other-side, did you ever wonder why do women take so long to get ready? They are preparing their damn dirty lies. What are the things that would increase a woman’s evolutional psychology league? Making her look more sane and more physically attractive or give off the impression that she has better genes than she does. Lets take a moment to list the things that should be considered lies, but aren’t.

Changing hair color, conditioner, blush, lip stick, collagen injections, eye shadow, eye lash extensions,  push-up bras, breast implants, spanks, high heels, fake tans, ass implants, and love.

So, to sum it all up, we are all liars. It doesn’t matter if you’re a ‘stand-up’ or a ‘sit-down’ you cannot help but lie. Men say bigger lies less frequently and women lie all the time, in small quantities.

Good luck All Men on Earth!

-Jerk

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One response to “Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

  1. Give me a like or something deep in the archives if you happen to read my response, so I can take that shit down too. The only thing more embarrassing than participating in that crap in the first place, is that a blogger I actually respect thought for one second that I was serious or reading more into it than there is. Please delete this too and let’s never speak of it again. Fucking retarded.

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