10 Signs She Wants to Do It

“I wonder how much he has in savings…”

Dear Jerk,

I’ve always been really confused by women. If they are interested they look away, if they aren’t interested they look away. Also, how in the world do I know if she wants to have sex? I don’t want to come off as one of those douche bags.

-J

J,

Women are like doors. The only way to see if it’s unlocked is to try the knob. If the door is locked you shrug your shoulders and move on.

Women are just like men, they like sex just as much or more than we do, they just don’t want to have sex with you. Just like our brain screams sexual thoughts around women in yoga pants, their brains scream sexual thoughts around six packs, large biceps, money, stubble and confidence.

“Ladies, try and contain your orgasms.”

So, of the research that I’ve done in the field here are the top 10 indicators that a woman wants to knock boots:

10. She laughs WAY too hard at your stupid jokes 

“To get to the other side! You are SO Funny!”

This is difficult to notice when it’s one on one, but it’s very easy when you’re around a group. You’ll tell some stupid joke and your friends will chuckle and she will throw her head back and laugh and laugh and laugh. This is an excuse to show her healthy teeth and smile. This is also the quickest way to a man’s heart is laughing at his jokes. In the middle of her laughing hysterically at your shitty observational humor you stole from Jerry ask her, ‘Do you want to get out of here?’

9. She finds ANY excuse to touch you.

“Boop”

“You have great arms, do you work out?” “No.” (Never said by a man ever.)

This is simple, she’ll scoot closer to you, touch your hand while you reach for your drink or feel your tattoo. The best way to give her an ‘excuse’ to touch you is by learning how to fake palm read, get a tattoo, thumb wrestle or work out.

8. She’s concerned with how you look.

“I swear to God, I told you not to wear this piss colored tie to my parents house!”

Obviously women won’t want to sleep with Slobby McSlobberstien who doesn’t care about how he looks, but she will if her mark has a small crease in his shirt or his double Windsor knot in his tie is coming undone. She’ll brush away that single hair, adjust your handkerchief or any other small thing to give her the satisfaction that you’re a fixer upper and she fixed you up.

7. She texts you after midnight.

“Hey, so, hey. I jus wan to say someting but I forget things were are my shoe.”

This means one of three things, she’s drunk and horny and thinking about you, she’s going to bed and horny and thinking about you, or she wants you to pick her up from the bar so she can tell you you’re the ‘bess fran EVAR!’ Try starting sexual innuendo to step into the next level.

6. She NEVER looks like shit around you.

“I hope Brad likes Umpaloompas.”

If she knows you’re going to be there, where ever it may be she will look her best or not show up. If you meet up with your crush and she’s got no makeup on and sweat pants you should probably go and start picking up some beach front property in Friendzoneville.

5. She uses the phrase, “That is VERY interesting.”

“You have a blog called ‘Askajerk’ that is VERY interesting.”

With this one, you’ll have to use a bit of discretion. This means she is either very interested, or very UN-interested. The face that the woman is making above means you’re in.

“Oh, you have a blog called ‘Askajerk’ that is VERY interesting.”

She’s looking at the guy behind you with the $3000 watch.

4. How she’s holding her arms.

“Don’t look at my cleavage, it’s for Steve, not you, you pig!”

How a woman displays her breasts displays exactly what she’s advertising — sex or the lack there of. If her arms are crossed above her breasts, that is the worst case scenario. If they are tightened up underneath to make them look bigger and perkier, than that is the breast case scenario ( see what I did there?).

3. She fumbles with her keys when you drop her off at her place.

“Excuse me my dear, would you fancy a romp in the habbidashery of my trousers?”

If she’s fumbling with her keys she’s lobbing you a big fat softball for you to crush. She’ll only wait about 10 seconds before she says goodnight and calls her friend laughing at how much of a bitch you are. So make your move.

2. She preens her hair.

“I hope Harold doesn’t notice the fleas.”

Most women don’t know why they do this around men they are sexually attracted. They do it because women’s pheromones are located in their scalps and when they play with their hair they shake out those pheromones for us to smell. After all we are animals.

1. She grabs your junk

4 responses to “10 Signs She Wants to Do It

  1. Finally someone who talks sense! Communication is key! My boyfriend and I would never have gotten togther if he hadn’t asked me if I wanted so sleep with him. And we would never have started seeing our girlfriend if we hadn’t asked her. It works, it makes you feel really awkward and blush, but it works.

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